Circus Acts

Long Weekend

2011-08-03T12:52:00.000-05:00

After the last shuttle flight landed and all of the stress leading up to it, M and I decided to get away for a long weekend. It was pretty last minute, so we stayed within driving distance and booked my parents to stay with the kids.

We decided on New Braunfels, which is in the San Antonio area and still takes a great bit of pride in its German heritage. Just to be different, we booked rooms at a cool hotel that was built in 1929. The rooms were ok. There was no central air, so each room had a window until. The bathrooms had not really been updated, but the age of the hotel made that all forgivable for the sake of staying someplace a little more unique.

We went to Gruene, TX (pronounced "green") and had a great dinner and walked by the historic dance hall.

It was relaxing just what we needed! Later that night, about 12:30am, we were startled by the sound of our adjoining door opening! We assumed that like most hotels, there was either a double door or the adjoining doors could be locked to prevent the person on the other side from busting in. Not so. Let's just say that his little entrance into our room was less than ideal timing, if you get my meaning. The guy was drunk, came back to his room, and thought it was the bathroom door. At least that's what he said. He very quickly closed his door and apologized, of course, but it scared the crap out of us. Plus, how embarrassing!! I don't think he really saw anything, but still.

M went down to the front desk and they moved us to another room. Of course, the window until wasn't on and it took about an hour for the room to cool down enough to get to sleep. When we went to take a shower, there was a dead cockroach in the tub, The next morning, we packed out things, made a reservation at the Hampton Inn and went to the front desk to get a full refund. Of course, the desk clerk did not have the authority to do that, so after a few phone calls, they would only refund us for the night we weren't going to stay in the hotel. So, I brought out the big guns. I told the clerk to relay a message to the Manager: If we don't get a full refund, at 8am on Monday morning, I am going to the BBB, Facebook, Yelp, City Search and Twitter and I am going to write this entire story down, including the hotel's dirty bathrooms and lack of security.

We got a call 10 minutes later from a very apologetic manager offering us our refund and another free night. We took her up on the refund, but declined the free night. That's the power of social media, I guess.

Despite the rough night, we had a wonderful Saturday!

We found a little railroad museum

Lots of funky antiques

and we even found a little a martini bar that served the best cucumber martinis I have ever tasted!

It was nice to get away, even if we did end up inadvertently putting on a show. It wouldn't be a good vacation without a good story, right? Oh, and the Hampton Inn was awesome.

Hormones are the Devil

2011-07-13T10:47:00.000-05:00

I have really come to hate my hormones. It was like as soon as I decided I wanted to have children, there they were, mocking me. Oh, you want to get off of the pill and get pregnant? Hahahahaha! Fool! Now, pull your hair out for six months and have fun with that 52 day cycle. After I had L, it actually seemed to help things. It's like the shock of pregnancy evened things out, but that was not meant to last. After E, my low progesterone screwed my milk supply and when I was finally done with that struggle, I got back on the pill. I love the pill. I lost weight and I felt even. Best of all, I didn't have to face the wonkiness of my hormones. A few months ago I realized that I couldn't keep taking those things like I was 25. I'm 35 and it's time to face the facts that I need to do something more permanent that has fever long term health risks. M is not keen on getting an operation because of this study and I have given up trying to convince him otherwise. I am still in the information gathering phase, so we'll see where that takes me.

In the meantime, I am determined to win. I gave birth to two healthy kids, didn't I? I lost the baby weight both times, didn't I? Hormones will not get the best of me. Some days, though, some days it really feels like they will win. The second I got off of the pill I gained 7 lbs, which is driving me insane. I can feel the approaching mood swings when I really feel like crying because we are out of my favorite hummus. I have devised conversations with myself, where the rational Miss K tells the hormonal Miss K, Calm down. This really isn't worth getting upset about. This is not really you. I hate it. I hate feeling like such a cliche!

So, to the gym I go. The battle rages on. I will win! I will not let this get to me! I realize that this isn't a big problem in the grand scheme of things, but I guess I felt like I won the battle with my hormones since I have two beautiful children. Oh, how wrong I was, but it's not over, yet!

Omega

2011-07-08T11:10:00.000-05:00

I remember watching the first shuttle launch on the news. I remember my teacher crying when Challenger was lost. I remember when endeavor made a cross country tour on its way from California to Florida, the cars lined up at the side of Bergstrom AFB where the special shuttle carrying airplane made a stop. I remember meeting my first astronaut. I remember crying with M when we lost Columbia. I remember being deep in the East Texas woods looking for shuttle debris and the feeling in the pit of my stomach when I found a circuit board on top of the the leaves. Now, I will remember watching the last shuttle launch on a big TV, in a room full of fellow space workers, completely silent.

Everyone is trying to be optimistic, and it's true that we still have ISS until 2020 and there are other projects in the works, but all of this feels like an ending. It feels like the end of something that really captured everyone's imagination. It feels that way, I suppose, because we don't really have a plan for what's next. Not really. Low Earth Orbit (LEO) space travel will be turned over to commercial ventures, and perhaps it will become commonplace, but I truly believe that human beings have a need to explore beyond that. We owe this to our children and to future generations. There is so little wonder in the world today, but this is something that still touches even the most accomplished among us.

We all knew this was coming and I am not arguing for a return to the shuttle program, but where are we going now? Where is our direction? There is no agreement on a path and no consensus on where human space flight will go from here. That is what makes people sad. That is what breaks my heart when L tells me "I want to be an astronaut." I tell him that he can because I want to believe that we will get back on track. I hope we do.

Thirty days after landing, thousands of workers will be let go. They will turn in their badges and try to figure out what to do next. As you think about what the shuttle program has meant to you, spare a thought for the people who loved it enough to make it their job. They will retire or move on to new careers, but if you've ever known anyone who has worked for the space program, you know that a piece of their heart will stay there, forever bound to the idea that we must explore and reach beyond our place here on earth.

Godspeed, Atlantis.

Escape

2011-06-30T10:18:00.001-05:00

It's that time of the summer when I start to long for a vacation. It's so hot, much hotter than it normally is at this time, and it sucks the very life out of you. Even small tasks seem difficult when the humidity is 80% and the heat index is over 100. Last year, I promised myself we would take a proper vacation, but with the insanity of the last shuttle flight and a possible new contract at work, I'm not sure it's going to happen. I find that so depressing. E has been extremely clingy. I thought it would go away when she felt better after a brief illness, but I am still unable to leave her line of sight without hearing "Mommy! Where are you?" I love my children dearly, but I would like to use the restroom, or make dinner in peace. Two demanding toddlers and a life full of responsibilities makes me a little itchy for some sort of break. We might make it to Illinois in the fall, but even that is uncertain right now. My only escape has been reading.

When I was a child we lived on an acreage and really didn't have neighbor's, and the neighbors we did have didn't have kids my age. When most kids were running next door to play with friends, I was reading a book. It was a habit brought on by boredom and a need to escape the tension in the house brought on by my mother's eating disorder and depression. I completely escaped into books and became obsessed with the stories and the characters. I wanted to be in the books. If I was more talented, I probably could have written one, but I have settled for being a happy consumer. I love that obsession. I love thinking about how the author came up with the idea behind a book, and I wonder about the characters after the book ends. (What happens to Johanna Mason??)

As I wrote in a previous post, I can't believe I ever left reading behind. I'm glad it's back. I really enjoy writing my reviews, although I might be the only one who reads them. If I can't go somewhere, at least I can spend my evenings reading. Of course, that might explain how messy my house looks at the moment.

Are you on Goodreads? It's an excellent way to keep track of the books you want to read. Let's connect here.

I just read a really good, but kind of spooky book called Dismantled. My review is here.

**I took the above photo at Ikea. The title means "Do It Yourself". My other favorite Ikea book title is "Married to a Communist".

Two Years

2011-06-15T08:32:00.000-05:00

The last two years have been a whirlwind. I look at E now and I see a little girl, walking, talking and interacting with the world around her. In some ways, time has crawled, but when I see her playing with friends or laughing with her brother, it seems like time has raced by, never looking back.

I make mental notes to myself all the time of books and experiences that I want to make sure E has and things that I want to share with her. I want so much for her to have the confidence that was so difficult for me to develop. I want her to have the support system to propel her into life, full speed ahead. Having a daughter is such a scary thing these days. I see older children and teens doing idiotic things and exposing themselves to such dangers that I wish I could keep E in her crib forever, safe in her comfy cage until I lift her out. That isn't the way it works, and even now I see the independent and stubborn streak that frustrates me and gives me hope that this is a girl that knows her own mind.

She is my smart, strong and beautiful girl. I am so glad that she's ours. Happy Birthday, E. I love you.

The Dark Days

2011-06-08T08:56:00.001-05:00

I just finished reading The Hunger Games series and as my husband and I were joking about those first few months after E was born, The Dark Days came to mind. There was no nuclear war or widespread annihilation of a population, but those first several months with a toddler and a newborn were tough. Ok, they were pretty awful. My heart trouble, our cramped and tiny house, and L being too young to really understand that this baby was here to stay all created a situation that still gives me a touch of the PTSD, to be honest. We moved, sold our old house and were down to one car. I love my children more every day, but I never want to go back to the way I felt then. I was tired and overwhelmed and even though I wasn't, I felt alone.

It's almost two years later, and we have survived, just as everyone said we would. We found a bigger house, E started sleeping through the night, L got used to his sister and his new bed. Things are certainly still hectic, but I just feel like I am dealing with it better than I was. It's like we're just on the edge of finally feeling like we might actually have it together. I only have 3 classes left in grad school, I finally got a promotion at work, and the kids are thriving. We still have a mountain of boxes to go through, but it's a smaller mountain than it was. That overwhelmed feeling is still there, but not as often.

One thing that I have slowly started to get back, is myself. I don't know why, but it occurred to me the other day that the last 6 years have changed me beyond anything I ever thought possible. Marriage, career, and kids: those three things have molded me into someone who is completely different than the music teacher that wrote lesson plans every night and never missed happy hour. Some of that is good. Most of the changes are positive, but I find myself missing other things. When the Spring semester ended, I picked up my nook and read a non-school book for the first time in years. Yes, years. I can't believe I ever stopped. I immediately fell into my old habits of staying up until midnight telling myself, just one more chapter, over and over again. I joined Good Reads and I think I've read about six books in the break between semesters. It feels so good to have something in my brain besides schedules, meals plans, and HR related topics. My friend Maura also pointed out that it's important for the kids to see me reading. Of course, they really see me staring at what must look like a giant iPhone to them, but by the time they are teenagers, I'm sure my nook will evoke laughter similar to what the 1990s giant cell phones do now.

My next wish was to join a book club, but I know that to have one would mean that I would have to do all of the work. I learned the hard way through the parents group I started that people are more than willing to show up and less willing to make an effort to keep something going. That's ok, though, because most of the people that I would like to talk to about books are online! I decided to start up the old book blog again and use it as a place to write about the books I read and give people a chance to give me their thoughts. Maybe no one will read it, but at least I have a way to write about books that I truly love. The first thing I want to do when I finish a book is discuss it with someone, but L and E have very little interest in dissecting character motivation.

My first post is about The Help. Please visit it you've read it, or even if you haven't, because I would love to hear your thoughts.

Between Here and There

2011-04-28T10:18:00.001-05:00

I feel like I've been in purgatory for the past few years. I live in this in-between place working to finish school, waiting for funding to stabilize so I can have a promotion, and wishing my life was less hectic. This semester has been the hardest, so far. Two classes with one being very high maintenance. (That's code for "the professor is a dick.") Combine that with a very, very busy April and I am down to my last weekend with a 30 page paper to write and two days in which to finish it. M is taking the kids to my mom and dad's and I will stay at home and write a very mediocre paper.

I know the finish line is within sight. I know that this time next year, I will be finishing my last course and walking away with a Master's in HR, but I am so tired and missing some of the confidence that I had when I started. It was so much easier when I was in high school or even an undergrad. There were cheerleaders everywhere; parents, classmates, and teachers were all available to tell me I was smart and that I could do it. Now? Now I'm a mom, I work full time, and I am expected to have the inner fortitude to man-up and get it done. Grad school is an every-man-for-himself kind of place. Everyone works and everyone has a completely separate life outside of school. There are no cheerleaders, just professors that sort of care, but mostly they would like you to shut-up and just do the work.

People always say to me, "I don't know how you do it." I'm not sure that I'm really doing a very good job at work, home, or school. If you are willing to do everything kind of half-assed, you can appear to do whatever you want! My only other choice is to walk away, and I am way too close to being finished to really do that, although I fantasize about quitting school almost every day. I am ready to have my life back. I am ready to read books that aren't about employment law and dedicate more time to the Foundation. I miss my friends, online and IRL, and I am ready to stop feeling like I have been a terrible friend to many people that I care about. I am ready to just be a working mom instead of a working mom in school who must be crazy to do all of this.

If this really is my purgatory then I can only hold out hope that all of this torment will lead to heaven on the other side. A heaven with a promotion and time to spend with my family on the weekends. And wine. Heaven must have wine.

Act of Kindness Friday: Easter Lily

2011-04-08T15:10:00.001-05:00

The previous owners of our house were the original owners. When we bought it, it was obvious that no updates had been made since 1992 when the house was built. We replaced flooring, paint, stripped wallpaper, the whole nine yards. It left me grumbling about how someone could live in a house that long and never even replace a faucet, especially when they were trying to sell!

A few months after we moved in, I was in the back yard and I realized that while the inside needed work, the outside had banana plants, a huge mint patch, and a few rose bushes. Not too bad, really. Among the mint I noticed a strange looking plant. It was kind of spiky and unfriendly looking. When I examined it a little closer, I realized it was an Easter Lily that hadn't bloomed, yet! There were actually two of them. Whoever the family was, they left behind a little bit of beauty that comes up every spring to remind me that good things can come from spiky situations. I can't wait for it to bloom this year.

Act of Kindness Friday: Pocket Ninja

2011-04-01T08:27:00.001-05:00

Life has been overwhelming, lately. I've been struggling to keep my head above water with school and work and family. There have been lots of mini-meltdowns, and it's not the kids doing the crying. When I was trying to get pregnant and that first anniversary came and went, I had that same feeling of being overwhelmed. Even some of my closest friends didn't understand and I felt very alone. Being a part of the Braces Bunch gave me sympathetic, non-judgmental shoulders to cry on and I will always be grateful for that. I have met so many wonderful people through this group and I count them as good friends. Just a few days ago, I got a little package in the mail from fellow buncher, Suzy. In it was this little guy.

He's my pocket ninja and I keep him in my purse at all times. He arrived just when I needed a reminder that there are people who care and are with me in spirit. Thanks, Suzy, it means so much to me.

Would you like to join in? Write about an act of kindness!

Act of Kindness Friday: Three Years

2011-03-25T08:19:00.002-05:00

Three years ago a woman that I did not know passed away before she could hold her baby girl. A few months later, I stumbled across her husband's blog while I was home on maternity leave with L. That little girl and L were only one month apart and I was touched by her husband's grief and willingness to share his sadness, joy, and apprehension about the future.

Through Matt's blog, a group of ~~strangers~~ friends connected to help him get through that first year. We made sure he had cards on his birthday, on father's day, and support on the first anniversary of Liz's death. Matt then decided to take that kindness and turn it into something that could help others. The Liz Logelin Foundation is still new, but it's growing every day and helps many people cope with the loss of a life partner. The stories are amazing and the inner strength of the applicants never ceases to amaze me. On a personal note, the people that I have met through my work with the Foundation have become some of my closest friends and I cannot imagine my life without them.

It's not often that you see kindness blossom and turn into something this big, but I know that where there are people who care, there will always be hope. Seeing how a group of people came together and helped someone they didn't know showed me the power for good that the internet could become. I am so glad that I am a part of it.

Matt has written a book that is coming out next month. A portion of the proceeds will go directly to The Liz Logelin Foundation. It is available for pre-order on Amazon.

Would you like to join in? Write about an act of kindness!

All of the Little Things

2011-03-21T12:46:00.001-05:00

It wasn't long after we had L that people were asking "when will you have another?" When we had E people backed off because when you have kids 16 months apart people tend to leave you alone due to the crazy, sleep deprived look in your eyes. Our grace period appears to be over, however, and now a few people have asked about having a third. Three is a popular number for kids these days, and it seems that many of our friends have three. It seems so surreal to even examine this question because, in some ways, it seems like we just had our first. It seems almost selfish to ponder considering how lucky we are to have two. I haven't forgotten the stress of that first year, either. My answer is always that we're done. We have one of each, they are healthy and happy, and we're done. My heart freaked out (that's the technical term) after I had E, so we're done. I would need a lot of monitoring and progesterone support, so we're done. M is ten years older than I am and won't be able to retire if we have a third, so we're done. We can't afford it, so we're done.

Those are all good reasons, right? I know that they are, but when I sat in my OB's office last week for my annual exam, the question about more kids was brought up once again. I told her I really thought we were done. She looked at me for a second and said,

I just don't feel like you believe that, yet.

I was a little taken aback. I hadn't really examined my feelings about being done with having kids because of the logical reasons behind it. She was right. I can't believe it, but she was right. I do think about having another baby. I think about being able to finally do the things I wanted to with L and E - a VBAC, more nursing, less stress about buying a house, and more time to really enjoy that brief period when they are so little. Do I just want a second chance to appreciate all of the little things that are already gone? Is that a good reason to want a third child?

All of the emotional reasons aside, the real obstacle is money. I think that M would be open to having a third. I think the kids would love to have a little brother or sister, but the reality of paying for three college tuitions and daycare and preschool and schedules....... It means that one of us would have to get a really big promotion or we'd have to win the lottery. So, here I am with this little tingle in my heart for just one more. I'm not really sure what to do with it or if it will ever go away, but it's there.

Act of Kindness Friday: Spring Break

2011-03-18T08:16:00.000-05:00

When I left teaching, I also left behind the holidays that went along with it. It was a tough transition, at first. It seemed so odd to be working all year long. It's been almst six years since I was last in the calssroom, soI've gotten used to it now. I've learned to enjoy the small breaks that I get here and there. My mom works for a school, so she decided to come and visit us for a few days while she was on Spring Break. The kids adore "Nana", so it was win-win. We usually take turns and have her stay home with one kid at a time so that they each get a day with Nana.

The other great thing about having her here is getting to go OUT. M and I went out every night she was in town and it was so nice. It was nice to have help in the evenings and in the morning. It was nice to have someone to help make dinners, fold laundry, and change diapers. I know that the chores we do everyday aren't the fun part of having grandkids, so I am very grateful for the kindness that my mom bestowed upon us by helping us this week. I feel like I got a spring break, too, and it made all the difference.

Have you seen kindness this week? Please blog about it and join our project by using Mr. Linky at the bottom. Suzy and I would love to hear about your acts of kindness!

Act of Kindness Friday - Just Plain Sick

2011-03-11T07:59:00.002-06:00

A wave of sickness has been going through my office. First my boss, then one of the assistants. One had stomach flu, the other a bad case of bronchitis. To top it off, L is sick again, as well. Since I still have my immune system of steel from my years as a teacher ::knock on wood:: I have somehow managed to avoid the sick. When I came to work on Tuesday I had two messages telling me that I would be the only person in HR that day. To top it off, my co-worker was supposed to be organizing an awards ceremony. She called in a panic asking me to reschedule and worrying about her job. I told her I would take care of it.

I guess the act of covering for a sick co-worker is kind, but really, it is about all of the kindness that people showed me when we went through our terrible winter last year. The kids were sick one after the other and M couldn't take off from work because of a contract re-bid, so I was the sick nurse. I remember breaking down after the second ear infection/fever in a four week period and really thinking that I was going to get fired or passed up for that promotion. However, my co-workers were kind and understanding and they put me at ease. It may have seemed like a small thing to them, but it meant a lot to me.

Pretty much everyone that supports the space program is worried about their job right now. I can see it in the faces of our engineers and the administrative staff. Getting sick can make everything worse. When I heard my co-workers voice on the phone, I remembered how I felt and, really, how could I not help ease her mind a little? Kindness breeds more kindness, whether it's the next day or the next year.

Have you seen kindness this week? Please blog about it and join our project by using Mr. Linky at the bottom. Suzy and I would love to hear about your acts of kindness!

Acts of Kindness

2011-03-08T13:41:00.001-06:00

Today is Fat Tuesday or Shrove Tuesday, depending on where you live, which means that tomorrow is the beginning of the Lenten season. When I was growing up, I always thought that Lent was only a Catholic thing, but I soon found about that many different branches of Christianity practice it in one form or another. It is viewed as a time of reflection and sacrifice. The flowers and decorations are taken down, the holy water is removed and the music becomes minor. I have observed Lent for many years, always giving something up like fries or soda, but in the last few years I have tried to make it more meaningful by putting something into practice, as well.

Lately on Twitter I have seen several people talk about receiving acts of kindness from strangers, mostly in the form of free coffee at a drive through. As much as I complain and lament about the difficulties of working full time, being in grad school, and having 2 small children, I know that for every inconvenience I have a gift or a blessing. So, I will be giving up chips and crackers for lent (that's gonna hurt) but I have also teamed up with the wonderful Suzy to post about Act of Kindness Friday.

Every Friday the participants will post about acts of kindness that they participated in, received or observed. They can be big things or little things. The point is to help you notice that kindness really is all around you if you take a moment to notice. While Lent is a Christian observance, I think that kindness is a universal concept, so there is no belief requirement to join in. I would love to see everyone's experiences, whatever you do or don't believe.

So, how about it? Could you use a little kindness in your life?

Join in and sign up on Mr. Linky so we can all visit each other. Feel free to spread the word, too! To get the button you can grab it on my sidebar or go and visit Suzy.

February Update

2011-03-03T11:26:00.000-06:00

Oh, February, you kicked my ass.

It was a month of fun things and not so fun things. We had the Superbowl and L's birthday, which were very fun. In the other category, we had potty training and both kids being sick. The thing I struggled with the most was food. I rejoined Weight Watchers and am having a hard time adjusting to the new Points Plus system. I know that I can go back to the old way, but I want to try to make this work. I still don't like it, but I am going to keep trying. I bought a new scale because the old one gave out, and the new scale added 2 lbs to my weight. I went back anc changed my weigh-in weights so it measures correctly, but seeing that higher number didn't do much for the old ego. I also saw a photo of myself that was taken at L's birthday party and it was not good. So, I am going to recommit to eating healthy and really try to identify my bad snacking patterns, which is what gets me every time. So, as of the last weigh-in I have 12 lbs to lose. Yuck.

My other big goal is to be more patient. I find that my level of patience is directly related to the level of stress I feel. I know that the stress won't be leaving anytime soon, so I really want to try be better at taking a breath and not letting everything get to me. This will be a big challenge.

I wrote about my frustration cycle yesterday and I am looking forward to the upside of the cycle which should be coming SOON.

My Goals for March:
Start C25K again - didn't quite get to that last month
Clean out my closet
Track everything I eat
Make my annual physical appointment for April (Well Woman is in March)
Post to my Tumblr blog at least four times
Be more patient

The Frustration Cycle

2011-03-02T11:01:00.000-06:00

L got rotavirus. Somewhere in his infancy I must have flaked or been too tired and scheduled his check up too late and he missed a vaccine. Let me tell you, I wish I could go back and get that shot because this is not fun. There was no fever or throwing up, just lots and lots of poop. It has totally set us back in potty training. He has a terrible rash and is asking for diapers. Not good. Even before that he was still having one accident per day. His friends are transitioning to the next classroom, but he can't join them until he gets potty training down. I'm so frustrated with the situation and I feel so badly for him. The doctor gave us some prescription probiotics, so I am hopeful that they will work. If I had known that probiotics came in prescription strength, I would have asked for them a long time ago because this virus has taken over our life and I am tired of thinking about poop.

I have a theory that everyone's life goes in cycles of frustration. There are times when we are chugging along, making progress, and generally having a good time. Then, there are the other times. There are the times like the last few weeks, when everything is a struggle. Everyone is in a bad mood, doesn't feel well, and is generally not happy. I know this is normal and is expected when you are raising toddlers, but what I struggle with is the feeling that I hit a wall and that all of a sudden nothing works.

I just need to keep going. What else is there to do? The hard part is not to compare your frustration cycles with others. When someone is on the upside of their cycle and planning a vacation that does not involve seeing a relative when you know that you're not going get a real vacation for years, it's hard not to compare. When you are still living with tons of boxes, your oven is broken, and your dishwasher can't be used due to plumbing issues, it's hard not to look wistfully and someone else's neat, fully functioning house, and compare.

The really hard part is accepting that life isn't like Parenthood. Wouldn't it be nice to live in a beautiful college town in Northern California with tons of family around to support you and problems that seem to either resolve themselves or at least take a break after an hour? Wouldn't it be nice to look pretty when you cry and have witty, rapid conversations with your spouse while cooking a big meal in a gourmet kitchen? Yes, it would. Instead I hear M's voice yelling "HELP!" from the bathroom and then I wish I had a bio-hazard suit to take the underwear that L just soiled out of the house.

The good thing about the cycle is that it has to come around to the upside eventually. I just hope that the cycle moves quickly because I'm running out of hand sanitizer, bleach and patience with the universe.

Three Years

2011-02-25T06:00:00.003-06:00

Here we are at three years. When L's birthday comes around, I don't really think much about the day of his birth. It was a c-section, so the whole thing was precise and right on schedule. There was no screaming or pushing, just a tugging feeling and then a very, very loud cry followed by a lot of joy. I tend to think more about how much he has changed and grown in the last year.

His stubborn streak (M blames me and I blame M's Polish heritage) is shining through, but so is his empathy and sense of humor. He loves his sister and although they drive each other crazy at times, he always asks about her if she is not around. He loves dinosaurs and all things NASA, of course. His best friend is still Daddy, with E running a close second.

As hard as it is to raise a toddler and deal with all of the things that go along with it, like potty training and socializing, I know that this is a simple time. The world is still full of absolutes: good and bad, nice and mean, yes and no. There is no gray area, yet, and I try to remind myself that there will be a day when I won't know where he is at all times and I won't be able to check on him every night before I go to sleep. This birthday seems more bittersweet to me. His increased independence means more freedom for the whole family, but it also means that we're traveling farther away from that little chunky baby that felt so good in my arms. There is no stopping time, so we try to enjoy this stage with all of the ups and downs included.

He is a wonderful and amazing little boy and I am so lucky to be his mom.

Show & Tell: The Ice Storm Cometh

2011-02-04T11:53:00.000-06:00

I live in Houston. That is to say, I live in the little strip of Houston that is only 30 minutes from Galveston and right next to the Space Center. So, when cold weather gets all the way down here it's pretty rare. Even more rare is freezing precipitation. All week there were dire warnings about snow and thick ice and WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE. While the rest of the country dug out from legitimate storms, we woke up to nothing but a little ice. The Space Center is closed and so is daycare. I went in a little late since I work just off site, but M is home with both kids. To top it all off, we've got L in underwear. That will be a whole other blog post, I'm sure. So, my show and tell is photos of our little piece of the storm that swept across the country.

Icy Chair

Very angry Jalapenos.

Gutter Pipe

E wondering what the hell I am doing outside when it's so cold.

You can join in or see more show and tells here!

January Update

2011-02-01T10:54:00.000-06:00

Is it me, or did January go by very quickly? The month was a whirlwind of recovering from the holidays, job changes for M and starting school again. I think the only goal I kept was to start a 365 blog for the kids. It's been going very well and I haven't missed a day, yet! My family seems to like it and I can't wait to see what it looks like at the end of the year.

School started again for me. This is my last year and I cannot wait to be done and have my life back. I have been better about insisting on uninterrupted time during the weekend to study. M agreed to keep the kids away while I am working and it's going well, so far. On the weight loss front, I rejoined Weight Watchers and the new plan is interesting. I have lost a few pounds, but my plan is to start Couch to 5K again to help things along.

Then there's work. We were very disappointed when M's company lost its contract. He has already started with the new company and we're feeling the pinch with much higher health care costs and an overall reduced benefit package. There's nothing that we can do about it, though, so we'll just have to move forward the best we can. My workplace is feeling the pinch, as well. We had a layoff last week and my department narrowly missed getting cut. We're hearing negative reports about the new budget for the space program, so things could get worse. I am really scared about the future. I am looking for another job, just in case.

So, some good, some bad. I hope that for February I can start running again, keep up the 365 blog and visit the doctor for all of my annual exams. With Superbowl, L's birthday, and Valentine's Day it should be a fun month!

Uncle

2011-01-26T09:06:00.000-06:00

Ok, fine. Not only am I going to post about potty training, I am going to post about how potty training has totally kicked my ass. L will be 3 in less than a month and it's time to try this again. We made one very unsuccessful attempt in November and L just wasn't getting it. So, after talking to a few people, I decided to pull back and try again later. L uses the toilet at school when he gets his diaper changed and he uses it at home every night before bath and less frequently in between, but we haven;t put him in underwear since November. Last weekend he told me "I want to wear underwear". I was surprised, and since it was bedtime I talked him out of it, but I know that was the sign I was looking for. Maybe.

I feel totally overwhelmed by all of it. The problem is, since we both work, the weekends are the only time that we have to get anything done. If I am at home with L, it becomes really hard to catch up again. I realize this sounds really selfish and lazy, but there you have it. I am dreading this whole process. I also had to talk with M about really being around to help this time, too. If I'm stuck at home, we're all stuck at home. I need someone to keep E from following us into the bathroom and bothering L.

I have formulated a plan and I would like to share it with you. Maybe that will help me stick to it.

This weekend - put L on the toilet for every diaper change, lots of praise for any results. Talk a lot about being a big boy and wearing underwear. Let him pick out some underwear at Target.

Next weekend - I am taking Friday off and keeping Luke at home. We'll watch movies and I am going to give him lots of stuff he doesn't normally get that might encourage peeing, like popcorn, juice, maybe even some Sprite! I'll let him set the timer, pick out his underwear, and try to make it as fun as possible. This will give us a jump start to the weekend and allow me to concentrate on L rather than trying to juggle everything else.

I've looked at potty watches, but the only one I found got terrible reviews for breaking after two weeks. I might buy a fun timer to use instead. Maybe one shaped like a chicken or something? I am writing this partly because I need to get it done and it creates some accountability, but I also need some encouragement and/or advice. Anything you have ever heard or experienced, whether you have kids or not, is something I would love to hear. This has to work eventually, right? RIGHT?

Friends Are Friends Forever

2011-01-18T13:49:00.001-06:00

In my 20s I had many, many friends. We took care of each other, we were involved in each others lives, relationships, jobs, etc.. There was always something to do on the weekends. Oh, the fun we used to have. Then, I married M and we didn't go out as much and the circle got a little smaller, which was ok.. Then, I had L and was wrapped up in my baby boy, so the circle got a little smaller still. After E was born, I'm not sure there were even enough people to make a circle. It was a combination of my old group of friends still being single and not relating to my new life, and having no time to be the one to reach out. The problem with adult friendships, as I see it, is that there has to be a equality of communication. It can't be one person's job to always be the one to initiate phone calls, emails, and lunches. I think more than anything else, that is what makes finding a friend as a married adult with kids so difficult.

Over the last two or three years my new friends have been found online, for the most part. It started out when we tried to get pregnant and I felt like I had no support and no one to talk to about my fear of infertility. Starting my first blog made me feel so much better and so supported by a community of people that felt the same way. My involvement with the LLF has added many friends that I first met virtually and then in person. There have been many days when I wished I was geographically closer. Many journalists have written about it and I am here to say it's true - social media is a savior for a busy woman. Sometimes, though, I think that it might also be a bit of a crutch. There is always this base fear that you aren't worthy of friends or that people won't like you. It starts in school and no matter how much you think you're over it, it's still there, hiding. Being rejected virtually is much easier than leaving a phone message that isn't returned.

For a while I organized a parents night out. I planned dinners, called restaurants, sent emails, and made sure everyone felt included. When I became pregnant with E and had some pretty nasty morning sickness, I asked if someone else would like to take over. Despite the fact that turnout was always pretty good, not one person volunteered or seemed to care that the dinners stopped. It was a real eye opener to me. I was really hurt and never tried to resurrect the group. I realized that just having a large number of friends, as I did in my 20s, wasn't as important as having friends that I could really count on.

I don't mean it to sounds like I am friendless. I have some wonderful friends, although a few of my very close friends have moved away. They are busy with work and want to spend as much time with their kids as possible, as they should. Spending time with L and E will always be my priority, but when it's 8pm and the house is quiet, I wonder if maybe I should just embrace my loner status and go out by myself. Getting out of the house for the sake of getting out has its value, but it doesn't really solve my desire for adult female friendships. I have a wonderful family and I am not alone, but there is a part of me that feels a little lonely, if that makes sense.

I need to figure out a way to feel comfortable with reaching out. I tend to avoid workplace friendships since working in HR can make things messy, and it's hard to strike up a conversation at daycare when everyone is rushing to get to work, but it's clear that I need to try harder. Work and motherhood can make for an isolated life, but I don't think it has to be that way. Does it?

Keeping Up

2011-01-11T11:44:00.000-06:00

I really want to be a better historian for our family. I want to scrapbook and digital scrapbook and put together photo albums and generally preserve every moment. I'm just not that person, though. I have yet to do baby books for the kids and we couldn't get our shit together enough to send out most of our Christmas cards this year (sorry). I had to take a hard look at what I really need to concentrate on right now, which is school, and just make peace with the fact that things will be pushed aside until that is done. The bad part is, this time is taking place when I should be enjoying the kids. Ever since E was born I have become hyper-aware of how quickly this time is slipping through my fingers, and I try desperately to record it in some way. The toddler years bring changes daily and I always feel like I struggle to keep up. Thanks to blogging and Flickr I can go back and piece together events enough for a baby book or album. My friend Maura got me a One Line a Day book, which I really love. The 365 blog I started for the kids is another way I plan to chronicle this time, but it's hard.

L will be three next month, which is probably why the rapid passage of time has been on my mind so much. I came across some photos of him as a baby and it seems like it was so long ago. I remember holding him and just staring for hours. I had a baby! I also remember having sobbing break downs at 2am when breastfeeding was going really badly. I felt so alone. I wish I could have reached out more to lessen the stress. I know I missed out on some really special moments because I felt so overwhelmed.

For the past few days I have been thinking about the parents of the little girl who was shot in Arizona. I think about how her father's job as a MLB scout must have taken him out of town a lot. I think about how he must wish he had those lost moments back. Obviously, you can't live your life expecting the worst to happen. You need a job and a way to support your family, but when the kids spend more time in daycare than with you, it makes you wonder if there might be a better way. There must be a way to find balance and a way to handle everyday stress and not let it overshadow what's going on in front of you. The truth is, the biggest obstacle to really living your life is life itself.

Every Penny

2011-01-04T08:28:00.000-06:00

We try to live very frugally so that if an emergency arises we aren't put in a bad financial situation. I was never very good with money, so when I first married M I was introduced to some basic but important ideas about saving and debt. When we bought a new house last year we used a lot of our rainy day fund to make some needed remodels and changes so that it would be a healthier and cleaner environment for the kids. New flooring and some repairs in and around the place added up. On top of that, we paid two mortgages while we were getting ready to sell our old house, so it was a year of expenses. Of course, just when you think that you can get a handle on things, the oven breaks. (No, really, our oven broke.) Property taxes are due, we found out last night that our medical insurance costs will be going up almost $300 per month, and we need a new garbage disposal along with some plumbing work. When it rains it pours, right? When I think of it all it overwhelms me. Since we send our kids to Montessori school our childcare expenses are high, too. That's not a complaint, just a fact, and we gladly pay it because we feel that they are really thriving in that environment. However, that takes up a good chunk of my salary, so I have to be creative with money.

I am in no way trying to compare us to people that truly struggle. We have plenty of food and never worry that we won't be able to pay the water bill, but when we have months that are tight financially, I have to wonder of we just have a lot of waste in our life. I throw away too much food. We aren't organized so I end up buying something that we already have. Do the kids really need more clothes? (The answer is NO). Getting organized and budgeting resources as well as money is something that we will have to do to make real headway. We have all of the expenses that I mentioned, but we would also like the freedom to get a new TV or take the kids to Sea World one weekend. So, I am going to concentrate on organizing and reducing waste in January and February.

Here are some of my ideas:

Strict meal planning - no getting lazy and ordering out
Sort through toys - Some of our toys can be put into the garage sale box
Starbucks habit - I really need to cut down on my visits. I'm thinking of reducing it to once a day on weekends only.
No more clothes for the kids unless it is an urgent need - they have so many clothes.
Organize the pantry - I know I could make meals out of there for a week, but it's too messy for me to see everything we have

We'll see how this works. I would love to hear any more ideas if you have them. I am hoping that baby steps become big steps as the year progresses.

My Plan for 2011

2011-01-01T21:21:00.000-06:00

Last year I realized that the frantic life I was leading wasn't working for me and I needed a way to get it back in order. So, I asked friends on line and in "real" life if they would like to join me. A group of us set goals and connected on Twitter and in the blogosphere to try to support each other and share our experiences. As the year progressed it became harder to post the updates, but I know that several of the people in the group, like myself, kept their goals in mind throughout the year.

2010 was hectic and crazy, but I can't say that I feel as stressed out as I did at this time last year. Looking back at my goals, I see that some of them weren't accomplished at all, some were, and the others just didn't matter as much as I thought they would. I am going to do this again and try to keep up with the updates since it helped to keep me honest even if no one else read them.

Here is how it works:
You come up with goals, ideas, suggestions for yourself and write them down. Some people make lists, some put them into categories, like Health or Work. You post your goals on your own blog, The Plan blog, or both. Every month or so you update on how you are doing and feeling, what has happened as it relates to the goals. These aren't resolutions and no one is going to point and laugh if they don' happen. You can even change them as your circumstances may change. The only person yo are accountable to is yourself. In addition to The Plan blog, there is a recipe blog where we share recipes and meal ideas. It has some really good stuff and you will be able to post there, as well.

We are all busy and this might seem like a daunting task, but if you feel like you could use a push, some encouragement, or a community that supports you day and night, I hope you will join. We're all just trying to make things little easier and more enjoyable for ourselves and the people in our lives. Some of us have kids, some don't. We are all in different places emotionally, financially, politically, and that's what I loved about it. If you are interested leave a comment or let me know on Twitter (button is on the right) and let's connect.

So, to serve as an example, here are my goals for 2011:

Health
- Take vitamins and keep taking them!
- Lose 10 lbs and keep it off
- Be more active
- Yoga, yoga, yoga and include the kids
- Eat less processed food
- Go to the dentist

Family Life
- Find new meals for meal planning
- Stick to the grocery list
- Put more money into savings
- Feed my family less processed foods
- Do more Montessori activities with the kids
- Watch less daytime TV on the weekends
- Unpack the last of the boxes
- Put some art on the walls
- Have at least one garage sale
- Get rid of more stuff

Personal
- Be more patient with people, especially M and the kids
- Be more forgiving of myself and others
- Read more non-school books
- Plan out weekends so that every one's needs are met and no one gets upset
- Communicate what kind of help I need (time, housework, etc..) more clearly to M
- Post on my Tumblr blog more often

One more thing that I am excited about is my 365 blog. I thought it would be a really cool thing to take a photo of the kids every day and post it. At the end of the year, I can make it into a book. I am usually taking photos of them, anyway, so this seemed like a good way put the photos to good use.

You can check it out here.

So, if you were already thinking about making some changes, join us! 2011 is going to be a great year.

The Plan 2010

2010-12-28T09:03:00.000-06:00

Well, 2010 is almost over. One of the things I did at this time last year was set some goals and things that I wanted to do. Overall, I have to say that this year was not as full of kids being sick and not as many feelings of being overwhelmed. However, it was still very stressful and hectic. I'm not sure that there are any goals other than "teach kids to feed, bathe, and dress themselves" that would help with the craziness.

One of the biggest changes was the health of the kids. Last year they were both so sick. This picture pretty much says it all:

This year, they were both healthier and enjoyed the holiday much more, I think.

Part of The Plan is to look at your goals throughout the year and see how far you've come OR decide whether your goals were even realistic. Some of mine were not, I think.

Physical Health
I only really did one thing which was lose the weight. The rest were either never done or I started and didn't keep up.
- lose and keep off the rest of the baby weight

- Take vitamins!
- Become more active
- Yoga
- Finish dental work that I've been putting off
- Follow-up with breast surgeon

Mental Well Being
To a degree I did all of these things. The one I found to be the hardest was connecting with people. I have come to think that maybe my alone time has become more precious to me.
- Ask for help when I need it (laundry, dishes, general tasks)
- Simplify (Throw things AWAY)
- Read
- Make more of an effort to connect with people

Self-Improvement
The weekend never happened because of money and vacation time. I would really like to do something like that, someday, but I think that it will have to wait until I finish grad school. I don't have a good grasp of this category. I would like to say I was a better friend, but a big part of me feels like this was a year where I hunkered down and went into self-preservation mode. M and I did get out more that we had previously and we did find a babysitter, although we never actually used her. So, I think this category was sort of a draw.

- Save more, waste less

- Plan a weekend get-a-way with girlfriends
- Make an effort to spend more alone time with M
- Find a babysitter other than my parents
- Complain less
- Become a better friend
- Become a better writer
- Become a better photographer

I'm doing this again in 2011 and will post about it soon. I would love it if you joined me. It has been a great source of reflection for me and I point to which I could return if I needed to revisit some of my goals for the year.

A Little Humbug

2010-12-17T20:29:00.000-06:00

I don't know what it is, but I just can't get into Christmas this year. It's not like anything is really wrong. I still have my job, the kids are fine, and M still has his job. Compared to a lot of families in the space community, we're doing pretty good. Still, I just don't have that happiness that I usually do during Christmas. My shopping has been non-existent and I'm not even sure we're going to do cards this year, which has been a real sore point between me and M.

I really thought that 2010 was going to be the best year yet, and in many ways it's been one of the hardest. I feel like I struggle to balance everything going on much more than I did at this time last year. Many of the things that are stressful are temporary, namely school, but my job is always on my mind, as are money and time. How did I let it get away from me? I know I need to make some changes and, despite my resolutions to share some responsibilities, I have taken on most of the household chores and child rearing responsibilities again. So, I am going to fix that.

I only have to work two days next week and then we leave for my hometown on Wednesday. I think I just need a damn break, but Christmas isn;t always the best time for that. I'm still worried about my mom, but it will be nice to have everyone together. I hope something kicks in because this humbug feeling isn't fun.

18 Months

2010-12-15T10:53:00.000-06:00

Eighteen months ago E joined our family, and I can hardly believe the little baby has turned into the smart ball of energy we know today. She loves to run, laugh, sing, and play. Luckily, she still loves snuggling, too. She's big (93% height and 94% for weight) and that makes for some interesting wrestling matches with L. He's so gentle with her, but we often hear "Mom, help!" when E pins him to the ground. They are great friends and play together a lot. Seeing them interact has made that first difficult year worth it. They will always be friends and they will always have each other. I am very grateful for that.

She says more words every day. Just this morning she pointed to her space place mat and was trying to say astronaut. It's wonderful that she will never know a world without female astronauts. She likes eating dinner at her little table with a big girl cup and uses all of her utensils. It's like my baby has been replaced with a little girl. I love seeing her grow up, but there is a bittersweetness to it, for sure.

With the good news that E is thriving, we also welcomed news that my mom's heart condition was not critical. She has a slight narrowing of the valve, but it doesn't need to be replaced, yet. She is tired and will need to be monitored, but I think that maybe this was the wake up call that we all needed. Life is too crazy and this time of year can make it even worse. My mom opted not to make her annual pecan brittle and I was really glad that she chose her health instead of the idea that she has to "do it all". I should probably take a lesson from that.

We have each other and a lot of love. It's good to remember to relax and enjoy it.

Waiting

2010-12-08T15:30:00.000-06:00

My dad very rarely calls me, so when I saw his number on my cell phone at 2pm, I had this really bad feeling. He called to tell me that my mom was in the hospital. Apparently, she has had a heart murmur that she never told my brother and I about and after feeling faint this morning, she went to the doctor. The doctor sent her straight to the hospital. I was able t get very little information from my dad and he was already at home. When I asked him if he was planning on going back to sit with my mom, he said "No, she doesn't want o be fussed over." So what??? Ignore her! I do it all the time. Go anyway. He's a practical Midwesterner to the core and if you tell him not to come back, he won't. I called my brother and gave him some instructions. Seeing as I have spent the most time in hospitals of all of my family, I told him to bring her a bathrobe, comfy socks and a pillow. He said he would. I hung up with my brother and called M. We agreed that we would skip the company Christmas party this weekend and go to my hometown to stay with my parents. They were scheduled to come to Houston and babysit so we could attend the party, but I am not comfortable with that. I think my mom is more likely to rest in her own home (she is always trying to clean and do laundry at ours) and seeing the kids will cheer her up a lot.

When I spoke with my mom she sounded good and apologized, of course, because moms are not supposed to get sick, right? I asked her questions and got a lot more information from her. She said that she was going to tell us about the murmur, but just hadn't yet (grrrr) and had been seeing a cardiologist about it. They told her to come in with any symptoms, so I am really glad that she listened and went in this morning. They think she has Aortic Stenosis and will be doing a dye test to see if there is any blockage. Her EKG and Echo came back ok, and they know her general heart function is good.

This is all very scary. Being 3 hours away makes it worse. I am so glad that my brother is in town and can help and be my eyes and ears. My fear is that they won't ask questions, or, if they do, they won't ask the right questions. I am a big believer in making the doctor interact and tell you what is going on. My experience with specialists is that they would rather throw a bunch of medical terms at you and leave out the explanation. As of right now, I am going to stay put unless they find something they don't like in the tests. Otherwise, we are taking off on Friday afternoon and visiting for the weekend. My mom sounded really happy about that.

I've seen others go through this, but watching your own parents get older and dealing with the reality that they won't be around forever is hard. Intellectually, you know that they can't live forever, but facing the reality of that is much harder than I imagined.

Flashback Friday

2010-12-03T10:41:00.000-06:00

I started thinking about my old blog yesterday, and I realized that it is a good way to look back and see what was happening this time two or three years ago. It's a little strange reading the old posts, especially the ones written before L arrived. I was a totally different, better rested person back then.

Three years ago I talked about the surreal feeling of going from wishing I was pregnant to being in my last trimester:

It dawned on me when we walked into our first prenatal class on Wednesday that I am just days away from being in my last trimester. This morning when I was putting on my make-up I found the first pregnancy test I took with the + in the little window. I don't think it's something I will put in the baby book, but I just can't bear to throw it away. On that morning when I first stared in disbelief at that piece of plastic, nine months seemed so far away. I couldn't even imagine what I would look like with a large belly or how it would feel walking through the park with a stroller. It was beyond my imagination. Now, we're pricing cribs and registering for shower gifts and I'm wondering if I can come back to work part-time for a while.

I don't want to loose touch with the scared person that I was. I don't want to forget what it felt like have that outside looking in feeling. If I forget, then I might not appreciate what I have, and I do appreciate it. More than anything. As plans become more concrete and the realness of this situation sinks in, I have a lot of fears. I am not afraid of labor or delivery, I am afraid of what happens after that. I could tell you every hormone that is running through my veins right now and what is going on with the baby's development, but what's next? When the baby is finally here, will I measure up?

Is it ok to be afraid of something that you have wanted so badly for so long?

Two years ago I was pregnant with E and feeling really sick. Then there was this little incident:

Yesterday, I got a call from daycare telling me that L fell and bumped his head. "It's a pretty big lump - maybe you should come and look at it." Being obsessive, first-time parents, M and I both went (we work very close to daycare) and it was a pretty big lump with a little scratch. He was standing on the other side of the exer-saucer and fell and bumped his head on the room divider. He has much more strength than coordination these days, so I wasn't surprised. It was the afternoon and he was so happy to see us that we took him home and played with him for the rest of the day for "observation".

Ha! You can tell he was our first because it would have to be pretty serious before we would rush over to daycare nowadays.

One year ago I was frustrated because we didn't know when we were going to move and there were too many boxes and no room for a tree. Well, this year we definitely have a tree and things are much more cheery. It's fun to look back and I think it serves as a good reminder that things really do progress and move on. It's hard when you are mired in the struggle of everyday to remember that, for better or for worse, things change and so do you. I like to think that the change is for the better.

30 Days

2010-11-30T20:46:00.000-06:00

Well, I made it. I can't say that any of the posts were literary masterpieces, but it was fun and I'm glad I did it. My old blog used to be a really important part of my life. When I was struggling to get pregnant, there were many days when my blog was the only place I could go for some understanding. Now that I've moved to my new space, I realize that I still don't feel as comfortable here. Perhaps posting more often will help that.

I appreciate my blogging and Twitter friends so much, and if you aren't on Twitter, I highly recommend it. It is my go to place to vent or get support when I need it. It's also good when you need a few opinions, or 100. In some ways, I think that blogging has become a bit too serious. I see some bloggers who write about their families and agonize over every decision and every negative comment until the drama spills over into other social networks. I am the first to admit that I do my share of agonizing, but to do it for a living would be exhausting. Some people love that drama and intensity and I guess that's why their blogs have so many readers. I prefer to stay in my corner and enjoy the outlet it provides.

So, thank you for sticking around for the last 30 days. I hope you enjoyed it! I poured you a glass of wine to celebrate........

That Time of Year

2010-11-29T16:28:00.000-06:00

When I was growing up my mother had a strict rule that no Christmas decorations would go up until December 1st. We would wake up in the morning and the whole house would be decorated with advent calendars and we knew that getting a tree wasn't far behind. Christmas was a time of year when everything was right. My mom was in a better mood, we had time off from school, and our normally strict diets were relaxed a little and we got treats. As a result, I am one of those people that loves Christmas, but I don't adhere to the December 1st rule. We had our tree up on Saturday and there's been a lot of "don't touch" and we already have one broken ornament, but the kids have to learn how to be around a Christmas tree at some point.

The last two years have been fun, but the kids were too young to really understand what was going on. My company has a Christmas party and one of our employees plays Santa. This is great because not only is his beard real, but this means I don't have to stand in line at the mall.

L's first meeting with Santa went ok, although he was a bit suspicious

The next year, he was not at all happy to see his old friend, Santa. E was a little confused as to why we dressed her like that if we knew he would be wearing the same thing.

We're hoping that L will understand a little better this year, although I think it might be E's turn to freak out. This Saturday is the children's Christmas party, so we'll see how it goes. We've been playing Christmas music and I plan on showing the kids all of the usual TV specials. I want them to love this holiday as much as I do and to gain a sense of what is really important. We don't do a lot of presents, but we'll be together and I know that the love and security we all feel is much better than a gift certificate.

(I wouldn't turn down a gift certificate to Starbuck's, though, if Santa happens to be reading this.)

Back to Work

2010-11-28T22:26:00.002-06:00

Well, it's back to the real world tomorrow. The break was really nice, despite the Saturday we lost to M's stomach bug. I can't decide how I feel about going back. On one hand, I know that the kids need school and their normal routine. I need to work and, well, I also need a little peace and quiet. On the other hand, I'm going to miss being at home, being lazy, and getting extra time with L and E. The choice is made by economic need, so off to work and school we all go.

We went to the zoo today and I managed to take some photos that weren't of the kids. I am as shocked as you are.

Some big Texas sky:

A sculpture that I managed to catch without any kids in it:

Two Against One

2010-11-27T21:41:00.001-06:00

When E was born a lot of people joked that we no longer outnumbered the kids. It was now a one-on-one defense. Not having more adults than kids does make it more hectic, but it's when only one adult is around that things get crazy.

M was laid out by a stomach bug today and my parents left this morning, so it was just me and the kids. The thing is, I find it really hard to take them to the park or to run errands when I'm solo parenting. L is almost 3 and E is just about 18 months. I live in fear of L making a run for it or getting lost in a store. He wants to be out of the cart, which makes E want out, as well. There's no way I can keep track of them both. At the park, L has been known to run off and leave you with no choice but to leave E and run after him. When we are together as parents, they both behave. It's like they test the weakness when we're alone.

I know that they are both still very young, but when only one of us is around, it really limits what we can do and it makes me feel like I'm a bad disciplinarian, which I am not. We ventured out briefly today to make a shopping trip to Fry's, and both kids were very good, but I didn't push my luck by going to a second store. I feel guilty for the TV watching and having to turn to TV so I can get just a few things done.

Things are looking up. M is better, poor guy, and we are annoying on going to the zoo tomorrow. Hopefully the kids will have more fun tomorrow. Also, we got the tree up and my Father Christmas collection displayed!

Black Friday

2010-11-26T22:31:00.001-06:00

When I lived in Boston I decided I would go to Filene's Basement, the one downtown, the day after Thanksgiving. I didn't buy anything because I immediately became fearful for my life when I saw the crazed shoppers going through the clothes piled high on the tables. I decided that it wasn't worth it. After seeing the Target flyer yesterday, my mom and I decided to give it a shot, but we went just before 7, not 4am. We got the two things we wanted and it was actually a pretty fun time! I kind of wish Target was open that early all the time. I could get a lot done that way.

We spent the rest of the day eating leftovers, watching football, and even managed another trip to see the Saturn V rocket.

Since my parents are still here, I was able to have a nice dinner with M in the city. It was another great day!

Thanksgiving

2010-11-25T20:06:00.001-06:00

Today was a good day. We cleared enough boxes to actually eat in the dining room and even the kids ate some mashed potatoes and turkey. We talked, ate, and laughed through the meal. We even managed to take a quick trip to the park.

My brother and his girlfriend are fantastic with the kids and I can't wait to see him with his own kids, someday.

I have a lot to be thankful for today and every day. I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday!

This Is Not OK

2010-11-24T09:51:00.000-06:00

I grew up n Texas, but my heart has always been in a colder climate. I love cold weather. I know that people will say, "Well, you've never lived in cold weather. Snow is a pain in the ass and the months of dreariness gets to you." I have lived in cold climates, but family and other forces brought me back to Texas. Otherwise, I would be living in a snowy place, trust me.

We sent L to school with shorts on this morning. Shorts on the day before Thanksgiving. It is so hard to get into the holiday spirit when you have to run the AC and put on bug spray. It's just depressing. I am so tired of being miserable all summer and then still sweating in the humidity in the "winter" months, or should I say "month". No matter how much you hate winter, you would not want this weather. It's humid, your hair always, always looks bad and summer lasts for 8 months. It's not a pleasant, Midwestern summer, either. It's omygodi'mgoingtodie summer. There are no seasons. You don't really think about it until you go somewhere that actually has a fall. Trust me, you would miss seasons.

If we were less practical, I think we would move just to escape the heat and occasional hurricane. However, I think we're stuck here for the time being. I resent it, though. Shorts on Thanksgiving is just wrong.

What about you? Do you wish you lived in a different climate?

Almost Ready

2010-11-23T22:51:00.001-06:00

I'm not good at cleaning. I like things to be clean, but I have a really hard time talking myself in to cleaning rather than relaxing or doing almost anything else, really. I usually do really well when company is coming because it forces me to power clean.

Right now, my kitchen looks awesome and all of the bathrooms are clean. Bring on the company.

I swear, if I get a raise or win the lottery I am totally getting a maid to clean the kitchen and bathrooms. Maybe everything. Cooking and laundry would be nice, too.....

The Thing About Twitter......

2010-11-22T13:50:00.000-06:00

I'm on twitter a lot. It has become a great support system for me. I can honestly say that I've met some wonderful people there. Of course, there is an element of drama. There are those that bring all of their issues to twitter in the hopes of getting some attention. One in particular is such a train wreck that I can't unfollow her and I can't look away. I am fairly sure she is making some of it up in the attempt to become the powerful blogger she dreams of being. It's fascinating and bizarre, just like Twitter.

What about you? Do you have any dramas or train wrecks you follow?

The Closet

2010-11-21T22:25:00.002-06:00

When we moved into our house we had to replace all of the flooring. The carpet and tile were original and quite gross. The master closet was supposed to have carpet, but there was a very odd floor to ceiling shelf thing in there that was old and gross like the old carpet. We opted to not put carpet in there so we could rip out the weird shelf and still keep our move in schedule. It's had cement floors......until now.

M is very handy, but he is also meticulous. So, while things end up looking very nice, it takes a while. Add to that juggling kids and every day stuff, and it takes a long while. The closet is actually really big and M put in carpet tiles which are really cool. For storage, we bought some cabinets from Ikea.

Here is a view of the carpet tiles and the cabinet.

The funny thing is that many of my shoes and clothes have been packed away. I've been getting by with a lot less because I had to. I might just give the unworn clothes away. Obviously, I don't need them that badly.

That was my exciting weekend! I still have a lot to accomplish before Thursday, but we have free HBO and The Hangover is on, so we'll see how that goes.

Frustration

2010-11-20T22:24:00.001-06:00

Well, the good news is that M finished the closet. We have a painted, carpet tiled room and I can't wait to get my stuff in there. The bad news is that it took him all day. All.Day.

We try to limit the TV watching for the kids, but on the days when I am solo and I still have to get a lot done, it's so hard not to turn on Nick Jr. We did pretty well. It was on in the morning, as usual, but was off for almost all of the afternoon.

If you have kids, how much TV do they watch? I'm curious.....

Checking it Twice

2010-11-19T20:56:00.001-06:00

I made the mistake of listing everything I need to do before thanksgiving. Ugh. We are trying to clear our dining room of boxes from the move so that we don't have to eat in the kitchen. Bathrooms must be cleaned, sheets and clothes washed, and grocery shopping completed.

I don't mind being busy. In fact, I actually kind of like it. Next week is short and I am looking forward to the visitors. The only possible hitch could be the free HBO we get for the next week.

Well, if I don't get everything on the list life will go on. Right?

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

It Begins

2010-11-18T20:44:00.001-06:00

We had the annual Thanksgiving feast at work today. As you can see from the dessert table above, there was a lot of food. The holiday season has begin and, as usual, I have decided on gifts for friends and family and will be looking for the best deals possible.

The kids will be more aware of what's going on this year, especially L. I am getting E a baby doll and a doll bed that I saw at Ikea. L is getting a toy garbage truck that makes noise. (I'm sure I'll regret that choice.). I try to limit my parents to 2 gifts for each kid but it hasn't worked, so far.

I can't think of anything I really want. I guess a new point and shoot camera or an iPhone 4G, but money is tight with big property taxes looming, so I might just opt out of gifts. What do I really need, anyway? It's much more fun watching the kids enjoy theirs.

I think E is making her list right now...

What are you asking for this year?

Making My List

2010-11-17T16:37:00.000-06:00

One week from today it will be Thanksgiving Eve. I can't believe it's already that time of year!! We're hosting even though we still have mountains of boxes, but we'll make it work, somehow. We are creatures of habit when it comes to food. My dad smokes a Turkey, which is really awesome, and brings it with him so all we have to do is heat it up in the oven when we're ready to eat. I thought I would share the dishes we're making and hope that you'll tell me about anything that you just couldn't live without at Thanksgiving. If the recipe is online, I linked it, so check it out!

Side Dishes:
Mashed Potatoes - smooth, no skin or lumps

Sweet potatoes with orange glaze (my mom has been making this for as long as I can remember)

Green Bean Casserole - One of my favorites

Dressing - I just get one out of a box and add spiced walnuts and bacon.

Cranberry Sauce - I am making this sauce, which is so good. It's easy and I highly recommend it. I am also going to make Ma Stamberg's cranberry relish. I am a big NPR fan and I have wanted to make this for years. We'll see how it goes!

Rolls - of course

Salad - A little extra green

Pies!
Apple Butter Pumpkin Pie - It's really good and probably the healthiest thing you'll ever see on Paula Deen's site.
Blackberry Pie - Every year I somehow manage ruin the pecan pie, so my parents are bringing one to put me out of my misery.

So, there you have it! What are you having? Are you staying in town or traveling?

Rough Night

2010-11-16T16:38:00.002-06:00

I'm really tired today, so I can't think of anything very interesting to write about. Why am I tired? Well, there seems to be a bit of a tummy bug going around. The funny thing is, while we are dealing with it here, a friend in Mississippi is dealing with it, as is my friend in Chicago. Are we seeing the spread of an illness or can you catch something from Twitter??

Anyway, about midnight last night M woke me up saying "L threw up everywhere, I need help!" I was so out of it, I thought it was morning. I stumbled to L's room and saw the damage. L was in the bathroom, naked as a jaybird, and started jumping up and down when he saw me. Mom, mom, I made a mess in my bed! No joke, kid. M put him in the tub and hosed him off while I changed the sheets. I realized that I never quite got around to buying an extra twin sized mattress pad. Dammit. L got some new PJs and I rinsed and put the old sheets in the wash. In the mean time, L was wide awake and as chatty as ever. I guess throwing up made him feel better. M stayed with him, bless his heart, and said he didn't fall completely asleep until 4am. Ugh.

Since there was no fever and L kept his milk down, we went ahead and sent him to school. As I type this, 30 minutes before I leave, I am amazed he made it through the day. I'm going to guess that he didn't eat much and took a really good nap. I am going to put some probiotics in his milk this evening and see if I can kill whatever it is that's getting him. E is fine, knock on wood, and slept through everything. She is the only one that will be in a good mood tonight, I predict.

These are the stories you tell your kids when they are grown and raising their own families. M and I joke about earning parenting badges and I think we deserve one for our teamwork last night. Hopefully we'll all get some rest tonight.

Got any good middle of the night throw up stories?

Seventeen Months

2010-11-15T16:47:00.000-06:00

I looked at the calendar and realized that E is 17 months today. There are parts of the 17 months that have rushed by and parts that have gone in slow motion. Namely, the 10 months that she wasn't sleeping through the night. As I look back, it all seems to blur together. I can only separate the moments when I look at photographs.

I love seeing her personality emerge. She is becoming quite the firecracker, which is exciting and terrifying all at once. She plays really well with L most of the time and has a very specific screech when he tries to take a toy away from her. I call it her pterodactyl noise. She loves to say "dog" and her favorite phrase is "what's that?" She still uses her pacifier, which we will soon be working on, and she is really good about letting me do her hair.

Yesterday she was playing with a balloon and tried to bite it, which made it pop, of course. I held my breath to see how loud she would cry, but heard nothing but laughter instead. I thought, you should be crying! That must have stung a little. I have never heard her laugh that loudly. Like I said, firecracker. I'm glad. Girls need a little attitude in this world. You're never too young to start kicking ass and taking names.

En Bra Dag

2010-11-14T22:59:00.001-06:00

I don't have much to write about today. We went to one of my favorite places - Ikea! M calls is the Swedish Embassy. I don't know if it's the cheap food or the well organized layout, but I love it there. They even put Swedish books on the shelf.

This roughly translates to "do it yourself", I believe. We got some stuff for our newly remodeled master closet, ate some meatballs, and loaded the van.

It was a good trip and I can't wait for my new closet!!

Nooooooo!!!

2010-11-13T20:15:00.001-06:00

Here I am in bed with tea. I added an instagram filter to make me look less like death warmed over. All of a sudden I started feeling terrible and I just don't have time for this!

It was cold and dreary today, but we managed to go to the art museum and a festival at the local nature center. The kids had a great time, of course, and L was completely enthralled with the square dancers. I'm not sure what to do with that - square dancing lessons?

I am hoping that a good night's sleep will put me right again. In the mean time, I leave you with this photo I took of L and M's hands. It melts my heart.

Bad Things and Good People

2010-11-12T14:24:00.000-06:00

Some days the news just weighs me down. For the past few days the big internet hubbub has been about Amazon and its respective cancellation of objectionable material for Kindle. (By the way, they still sell videos and picture books with underage (11-13) year olds without clothes on, so no big victory there.) Then you bring up your favorite news site or watch the evening news and there is always a story about a child being abused or killed or dying in a fire. I don't know if its because I'm a parent now or if the exhaustion of life has made me more emotional, but these stories just makes me die a little inside. I see the link to the story and I want to look away, but nine times out of ten, I click on it and the sadness crushes me.

I can't relate to anyone who would ever harm a child and a part of me wants to scream and rage and the injustice. As the economy has worsened, so have the incidents of mindless violence and people snapping under the pressure. Every holiday season the donation boxes go out at work and the Salvation Army angel tree cards are available. My pocketbook prevents me from taking all of the cards, but I wish I could. I take two, one boy and one girl, and I try to make myself feel better by knowing that they will have something new, something that they wanted, to open on Christmas morning. I know there is no way to heal all of the sadness in the world and there is no way I can control it. All I can do is hug my kids and hope that I am raising two loving people to live in the world that might have a chance to cancel out some of the evil.

Does the news get you down, too? Do you have a hard time turning away from stories that you know will break your heart?

What I'm Watching

2010-11-11T15:45:00.000-06:00

I don't know how I ever survived without a DVR. I would be completely out of touch with anything happening on TV it it weren't for that magic little box. Not only is it invaluable for controlling what the kids watch, but it allows me to see my favorite shows without having to drop everything to catch it when it's actually being shown. Also, being able to fast forward through commercials is nice.

After the kids go to bed I have to do dishes, make lunches, do laundry and then homework. I'm lucky if I get to squeeze in one episode of anything, but I try to watch something to give my mind a little break after a long day. I used to love to read, and I'm sure that once I graduate I will be able to go back to it, but for now it's all about school books.

I tend to stick to comedies and what I like to call non-exploitative reality shoes, or reality shows where you have to have a talent other than whoring. Top Chef, Project Runway and House Hunters all fall into that category.

Some of my current favorites:

The Office - required for any HR professional
Parenthood - So well written with such great acting
30 Rock - Funniest show on TV right now
Glee - Of course
Raising Hope - I loved My Name Is Earl and this is just as good. LOVE seeing Martha Plimpton on TV!
The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret - It's a BBC show with some Arrested Development alum and it's being shown on IFC. It's on Fridays, so if you liked AD, you will like this.

I also love my usuals: Futurama, The Simpsons, Family Guy, Seinfeld reruns and Freaks and Geeks reruns which I recently discovered on IFC, as well.

The kids watch most stuff on Nick Jr., but the current favorite is called Dino Dan. It;s a CBC production and is a live action show with CG dinosaurs. L is completely in love. He is constantly looking out the window saying "Oh no, Dinosaur Rex!" Even E seems to like it.

So what are you watching these days? Anything good I should check out?

Always On My Mind

2010-11-10T11:15:00.001-06:00

If you did a survey I think you would find that most women are either dieting or think that they should diet. All of the stats about how we're getting fatter and not exercising at alarming rates is constantly in the news. Dieting has become a way of life for most people. It certainly is for me. Lately, though, I find myself becoming increasingly apathetic towards it all. Until I was 30 I never had to think about counting calories or worrying about putting on weight. When I got off birth control so we could start a family, I gained about 15 pounds for various reasons, one of which was a hormone wackiness that I wasn't aware of. After L was born, I got tired of feeling big and enrolled in Weight Watchers. It really worked for me and I lost the rest of the baby weight plus the 15 that I gained before I got pregnant. After E I did the same thing and had great success. Weight Watchers worked for me because my inexperience with dieting makes me very weak and prone to justifying bad decisions. I need that structure to help me see the numbers behind the stuff I was eating. In September I actually saw a number in the 140s, which for my 5'9 frame is a lower number than I had seen in almost 3 years.

Several weeks ago M and I were looking at ways to cut costs as we face the first round of property taxes in our new home (ouch) and I volunteered to give up my online subscription so we would save the $20 per month. Every little bit counts, right? I was about 4 pounds away from my ultimate weight goal, but being on the plan so long, I thought I would be ok without it. Big mistake. I can't blame the lack of Weight Watchers for my almost immediate gaining of 6 pounds, but I know it didn't help. With everything else going on in my life, I just fell into this pattern of "who cares?" When you have that invisible wife/mother feeling it's really easy to stop caring whether your pants fit or how you look. I do care, though. I want to look good, because I want to look good. When I was young, being attractive was something that came from the outside. I was attractive because others said I was. Flawed, yes, but I was in my 20s. Now, I want to look good because it makes me feel good. It gives me a sense of accomplishment and purpose. If I am healthy, I feel better and look better. It's something I do for myself.

Instead of going to to Weight Watchers I have decided to think about what got me here. One thing is snacking. I am such a snacker. I snack when I'm bored or watching TV. The bored thing I can battle, but while watching TV is a powerful association. So, I've either limited the amount of the snack or changed it to a healthier choice. I am going to back to tracking on The Daily Plate which lets me see the calories, but also the nutritional content. I can always tell when I've had too many processed food because the sodium goes waaaay up. It's a great tool if you've never checked it out. The third factor is exercise. We run around with the kids and walk to our neighborhood park, but I really don't exercise. The lack of gym time stressed me out so much that I had to just say "ok, you may not have that luxury until school is over". After I accepted that, I actually felt a lot better. Now that the weather is nicer, I anticipate that we will be outside and running around a lot more.

I have ten pounds to go until my ultimate weight goal. I know I can get there but I'm not going to put a time line on it. I know that the holidays will involve some indulgences, but getting back in the good eating habit now will make it easier. I can't promise that I won't cave and have some more of these fried pickles and jalapenos.

I'll keep you updated on my progress.

Shots & Rockets

2010-11-09T20:59:00.001-06:00

L wasn't able to get a flu shot last year because he was always, always too sick. So, we took advantage of this period of wellness (knock on wood) and got him a shot. I was conflicted about getting it at all, but I'll blog about that another time.

He did great and didn't cry at all! As a treat, M and I took him to a local diner for pie and ice cream.

I got the fried pickles and , but also ended up tasting L's pie. Oops.

Since L has been obsessed with all things NASA (can't imagine where he gets that) we picked up E from daycare and headed to Rocket Park. It's not a park as much as a large building that holds a Saturn V rocket. It's quite impressive and L loves it there.

Each stage is separated so you can see its inner workings, including its balls.

I mean, come on, this thing isn't phallic enough?

Outside there are some smaller rockets and engines to admire.

This was used to perform abort testing during the Apollo era.

It was nice to get some one-on-one time with L. It was a great afternoon!

The Anti-Supermom

2010-11-08T09:50:00.000-06:00

I don't usually do this, but I would really like you to read this article before you read my post. It's not too long and totally worth it.

In my dream life I am the "perfect" mother. By perfect, I mean that I breastfed exclusively for a year, made all of the baby food for my kids, and the weekends are spent in museums with TV watching being a very rare occurrence. Like I said, in my dream life. M pointed out the article linked above and when I read it, it really struck a chord in me. I never imagined that the ideas that have become accepted in motherhood over the last twenty years could be viewed as a burden or even a prison, but if I am honest with myself, I admit that it feels that way, sometimes.

I don't totally agree with everything that Erica Jong says, and she comes across as being almost as hard lined as the proponents on the other side, but I think she has some very valid points. It is easy to forget how much motherhood and its ideals are perpetuated by the media. In this age of social networking, I would say that it is even worse. If someone makes a comment on twitter that they were uncomfortable seeing someone breastfeed in a restaurant, they are attacked and verbally beaten until bloody. My question is, why wasn't there a place that the mother could go and quietly feed her child? Why isn't that the norm in a society that so clearly thinks a good mother = a breastfeeding mother? We expect mothers to breastfeed, but there is very little support. Lactation consultants in hospitals are an absolute nightmare of conflicting information and the state laws that require employers to set aside a room for pumping are inconsistent and weak. So, basically, we are supposed to be comfortable breastfeeding in public, but we are also expected to take the abuse and defend ourselves when people object.

If you open up a People magazine, there are entire subsections devoted to pregnant celebrities and celebrities with babies. I'm sure their research tells them that the readers like to see that celebrities are just like them, raising their children. Really? Just like opening a Cosmo makes me feel like crash dieting, seeing some perfect looking celebrity mom does not help me, either. I'm not going to make assumptions about Angelina Jolie or Madonna and say that they are using children as accessories. Maybe they are, or maybe they just love children. My issue is with the depiction of it all. Women shout from the rooftops about the horrible things that supermodels do to our daughter's body images. How can they put these skinny girls in magazines when it's not realistic? Shouldn't we also decry the entire spreads that are put in magazines about women losing all of their baby weight in six weeks? Why aren't there photos of Angelina with pink eye that she caught from her kids, or Giselle with toddler puke all over her? This fake ideal that is constantly being pushed and that people eat up is a sort of prison. Just as looking at a fashion magazine makes me feel bad about the size dress I wear, reading an article about celebrity mom doing it all with no mention of the support she has from nannies and assistants is deplorable. Getting help is not shameful, but that's the way it is treated.

It has taken me a long time to feel comfortable with my choices as a mother. I'm not looking for anyone to tell me I am doing a good job or that I should do whatever I want as a mom. Until I read this article I didn't realize how much of a burden the barrage of do this, do that or you are a sub-par mom was weighing me down. I think that attachment parenting is great, but it just wasn't a reality for me. I am a strong advocate for breastfeeding, but the reality is that it's extremely tough and not everyone can make it work.   I breastfed my kids for six months until my supply was literally nothing and they got formula for the rest of the time. I made some of their baby food and fed them plenty of the jarred stuff, too. If I really need to get something done on the weekends, I turn on Nick Jr. I never let my babies sleep in bed with us when they were tiny because I just didn't think it was safe. I hug and kiss them as much as possible and it annoys them sometimes, but that's just too bad. I miss the kids when I drop them off at daycare, but when L comes home and counts and names the planets, I can't really say that being in daycare is a bad thing for him.

I think that all moms do a little helicopter parenting and little hands off parenting. Sometimes, it's as simple as just reading what your kid needs. I am lucky because my job doesn't include a long commute, so a mom that barely gets home in time to tuck the kids in might have different views about all of this, but I do know that some of the things that I am seeing in magazines and on Twitter and Facebook are a little disturbing. If moms are being victimized by the expectation that there is an ideal mother who can work and carry a baby all day, then we need to start by not victimizing each other. I'm not always going to agree with the choices that another mom makes for her kids, but I can't possibly know the inner working of their lives. Is this feminism? I have no idea. I have the luxury of not really having to answer that question. The combination of work and home is my life and it's not really a "choice" as the feminist movement loves to call it.

I think that this quote from the article sums is up for me:

"We need to be released from guilt about our children, not further bound by it. We need someone to say: Do the best you can. There are no rules."

What do you think? I am really interested to hear your thoughts on this article.   If you are a mom-to-be or a mom-in-waiting, I am looking for your input, as well. As a follow-up, Erica Jong's daughter wrote an article about what kind of mother Erica was and it is worth a read, as well.

Fold 'Em

2010-11-07T22:25:00.001-06:00

Well, Kenny Rogers was right, and we know that when it comes to potty training L, we should fold 'em. I spent all weekend trying to bribe him with M&Ms and wiping urine off the floor. After an epic meltdown right around bedtime, I decided it wasn't worth the stress to either of us.

I'm actually very ok with this. Being tethered to the house while potty training seems like such a shame when the weather is so nice. We'll try again in a month and see what happens.

The day wasn't all bad, though. The kids helped me make gingerbread and then cleaned up

We even ventured outside, where they ignored all of their toys and played with rocks

I'm so lucky to have those two. They are amazing little people.

Tonight

2010-11-06T22:18:00.001-05:00

We had a rare night out, just M and me. We talked a lot about an article about motherhood that ran in The Wall Street Journal. I really want to blog about it at a later date. It had some excellent points.

On another note, we started potty training L today. There were a lot of accidents and I feel a little discouraged, but I know we'll get there. I'll be doing a lot of laundry, though. A lot.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

When I Was Your Age......

2010-11-05T12:23:00.001-05:00

As I was completing my paper about the new health care reform, I looked at my resources and groaned. They were all online since the legislation rendered all of my textbooks obsolete, and I couldn't remember how to cite a web page. So, I used google, of course, and came across something called Easy Bib. It helps you to properly format a bibliography and will even keep a list of your sources and put them into a word document. I was stunned and a little ticked off. I mean, how many hours did I spend as an undergrad, looking up the latest MLA or APA formats in the library, in an actual book, in fear that I would be docked grade points for misplacing a period. You can just push a button now?? Humph.

I got my first email address in college through my university in the mid 1990s. I still have the first personal email I ever had, a hotmail account. I thought it was amazing that I could get my email from anywhere! Was it magic?? I also remember my first friend that got a cell phone that wasn't a car phone. It was a pay per minute plan and it was as thick as a large textbook. We thought she was the luckiest, most tech savvy person that we ever met. When I was growing up we lived in a rural area and our olive green dial phone that matched our olive green fridge was on a party line, believe it or not.

It's amazing how we have adapted to so much change. I think about the childhood that L and E will have and it amazes me. They have access to so much information right at their fingertips. They don't have to actually open an encyclopedia to find out information. They can watch almost any program they want on TV with no commercials and at a time of their choosing. They will never know a world without the availability of internet, cable and gps.

It makes me feel old to say it, but sometimes I think all of this information at your fingertips takes the fun out of looking. I know all of these e-readers are really popular, but I like actually opening a book. Asking a local for directions might give you a better route than google maps. Don't get me wrong, I love the instant gratification of modern life, but I'm not so sure it's good for our kids. That doesn't mean I'm ready to give up using my phone to reload my Starbucks card, though.

I'm the sad Holly Hobby in the front.

My Current Obsession

2010-11-04T08:27:00.000-05:00

I feel all twitchy this morning because I left my iPhone on the kitchen counter, but the two of us are usually inseparable. It has become a lifeline to social media, news, maps, and serves a a great distraction for the kids at the doctor's office. Recently, I downloaded a free app called Instagram. It's a way to take photos and apply cool filters to them and then share them with others. You share them through instagram and you can also upload them to Flickr, Twitter, Facebook and FourSquare. It's really cool.

The playground looks much cooler

A jar of candy at works seems more interesting

Clowns look scarier

Even your kids look cuter!

I guess what I like about it is that it's simply sharing a photo without a long explanation and people who follow your profile can "like" or comment on a photo. It's like tweeting in a purely photographic format. If you have an iPhone (it's only available through them right now) I highly, highly recommend this app. My name is katetheowl, so find me! We can share some photothoughts.

**this post was not sponsored by anyone**

FourSquare - An Uninformed, Unsponsored Review

2010-11-03T08:34:00.002-05:00

At first, I thought to myself, why are people always telling me where they are? Then, how can you be the mayor of Starbucks? Ah, Four Square, the app that is part game, part stalking tool. I initially refused to play because of all of the warnings about being robbed since everyone would know you are at Target and not at home. Like anything else, though, it's only as dangerous as the amount of information you are willing to share. I looked around and decided that it would probably be a good thing if I was robbed. It would save me a lot of cleaning and unpacking. So, I signed up.

I like checking in and I've already been made the mayor of my workplace.! (That is actually kind of sad.) I like seeing what my friends are doing and there's more than a little bit of vicarious living when I check to see who gets to go out on Friday nights. It's funny how we feel the need to stay in touch every second of every day. Twitter, Facebook, and Four Square are all ways that we check in and ask for feedback. I am one of those people that check twitter throughout the day and put my thoughts, happy and sad, for all to see. If I really stopped to think about it I guess I would have to ask myself what is missing from my real, in-person life that makes me seek feedback so much about every move that I make. Or, I can go to Target and see if they've made me mayor, yet.

Here, There, and Everywhere

2010-11-02T08:35:00.000-05:00

Since our house is still full of boxes and a general embarrassment, we try to do as much as we can on the weekends to unpack, go through our junk, and finish projects. This past weekend was not one of those weekends. This is one of the few times of year that the weather is dry and the temperatures not too hot, so we tend to talk ourselves out of doing housework quite easily. Every year, the Johnson Space Center teams up with local chamber of commerce and put on the Ballunar Festival and Open House. Hot air balloons from all over the country come to race, compete in precision landing contests, and provide a lot of cool photo opportunities.

Along with that, the space center opens its doors for one day and anyone can come in and see their tax dollars at work. M and I are both badged, but we have never really taken the kids into some of the buildings.

First, there was a lot of pointing and yelling of E's favorite phrase "what's that???"

Then we got hungry, so there was roasted corn

After watching parachuters and amateur rocket launches, we headed to Building 2 where there are some really awesome murals depicting what lies in store for NASA - policing the heavens in tight pants.

The kids decorated a paper shuttle with beads and I looked up at this thing

They used it as an earth bound simulator for the lunar lander during the Apollo era. Pretty wild, huh?
After a quick stop for food, we headed to Building 9. Now, I know that many will argue that Mission Control is the coolest place to go, but I think Building 9 is my favorite. The Space Vehicle Mockup Facility (SVMF) is a building full of space station modules, shuttle simulators, and robots. Astronauts learn how to fly the shuttle and find out where they will get to store their stuff if they're on the Space Station.

We got a nice family photo

...and E continued to ask "what's that??"

L introduced himself to Robonaut I,

......and got to climb around on the Lunar Electric Rover (LER).

It was a great day, but a little bittersweet. Soon they will be dismantling the shuttle mock-ups and shipping them to museums. The LER has nowhere to land right now and things couldn't be more uncertain for our space program. I realize that because we live and work in this area and our jobs are tied to NASA , its budget woes surround us everyday. I also know that most people don't give it a second thought. I saw L and E's faces when we took them into that building and I know that if we could just show people how much there is left to learn and how exiting it is, we would have a chance to become explorers once again. This is truly inspiring and there just isn't enough of that is our world right now.

30 Posts in 30 Days?

2010-11-01T12:28:00.001-05:00

I must be crazy, but I decided to sign up for NaBloPoMo, or National Blog Posting Month. I've been busy and uninspired lately, and maybe this will help. My blog means a lot to me and my small, but loyal, band of readers are really important to me, too. Some goals I have:

1) Try not to whine too much
2) Try not to make every post about the kids

That being said, I think my next post will be about out insane weekend and how much fun it was. Prepare yourself.

What are some subjects I should write about? Any ideas?

I might just post some pictures of butter.......

Ok, here we go.......

School Days

2010-10-14T09:36:00.000-05:00

One of my favorite books to read is the Oxford English Dictionary of Nursery Rhymes edited by Peter and Iona Opie. I realize that it sounds weird, but go and check out this book. It is fascinating. Each rhyme is researched. The Opies found no connection between Ring Around the Rosie and the bubonic plague. Rain Rain Go Away is traced back to ancient times. If I had to pick a job, I would love to have had theirs. They basically researched and studied the child to child transfer of rhymes and games and well as the sociology of the playground. Have you ever watched kids play or make up games? Their rules and standards of behavior are incredibly complex. If you ever have a chance to read The People in the Playground, that is another fascinating read.

I was an elementary music teacher for six years. I always thought I would end up a band director, but in my junior year I was connected with the Kodaly (pronounced co-dye) approach to teaching and my world opened up. The approach included researching folk music, which meant researching actual field recordings and the history of a song. I loved it. I spent hours in the library. It was heaven. Eventually, the stress of teaching in inner city schools and dealing with constant funding shortages made me reconsider my career choice. When you teach small children all day an office job can look pretty appealing, even if you don't get the summers off. So, I left. Almost randomly I chose HR as my new career, enrolled in graduate school for an HR degree to help my career and I was off. When I started having kids, I knew that going back to teaching music would be financially risky, so I did the grown up thing and stuck with Human Resources.

Five years later, after taking one or two classes at a time and the equivalent of two years off to have kids, I am looking at my last year of school. I was not meant for business school and trying to do it while working full time and raising two small children has almost put me over the edge. I fantasize about quitting or getting a letter from the dean saying that there's been a mistake with my credits and I get to graduate next semester. Oh, the joy!! None of that is happening. In fact, this semester has been......I can't think of the right word.....torture. My working group for class has been a nightmare which culminated last night with one member dropping the course two hours before our project was due without turning in his work.

I think my anger comes from a resentment of my own choice. I look up at my bookshelf and see my Lomax collections and that is what I want to study, not benefits and compensation. Don't get me wrong, there is a lot about HR that I like, but the satisfaction that I felt when I was teaching just isn't there. Life is basically on hold until I finish this degree and then I can go back to reading things that I like to read. I can finally put together baby books for my kids, learn to sew, and start working out again. I can have my life back.

I'll tell you one thing - as soon as I graduate I am throwing one hell of a party and you are all invited.

35 and Counting

2010-10-06T23:14:00.001-05:00

I used to really look forward to my birthday, but the past few years have been different. I guess the biggest change is the fact that I have two small children that take up pretty much every piece of my time and energy. The other factor is that as you settle in to family life, your priorities change and so does your social life. Happy hours are no more and weekends are planned around a trip to the zoo, and that's ok. In fact, it's wonderful.

I don't know if it was the number I got hung up on or all of the "I thought my life/career/whatever would be different" thoughts that seem to appear around this time, but I was sort of dreading this birthday. Last year I was still in my early 30s. Now, I am entering my late to middles. I get called "ma'am" a lot more than I used to and no one asks for my ID when I get a drink. There is no use pretending that I am young. Now, I'm "relatively young".

The day itself was a total bust. The company I work for was processing employees who were being laid off, so it was a very somber day in HR. Along with my employer, some of the biggest space program contractors were laying off in the hundreds. Everyone had their head down the whole week as the sadness of what is being done to our human space flight program started to hit home. I was not surprised when my boss and co-worker both forgot my birthday. I was actually kind of glad. How can you have cake and balloons as you tell someone how to apply for unemployment?

Thankfully, it got better. M was given two tickets to see the Astros vs Cubs (my favorite team) and the seats were very fancy at club level. He also booked a night at The Inn at the Ballpark, which is directly across from Minute Maid Park and very nice. We could practically touch the stadium from our window.

Everything at the hotel was baseball themed, including the coasters!

The seats weren't so bad, either.

It was a beautiful night and watching my Cubbies win with the roof open made for a perfect evening.

My parents came to town and watched the kids overnight so we could stay and we both woke up feeling a little less stressed and a lot more relaxed. It's amazing how just one night away can give you the breather you need. We needed that time for us.

The next day we went to our friend Dom's house who, as usual, cooked all day and roasted two turkeys.

One was smoked with pear stuffing

The other was oven roasted and chili rubbed. Yes, it was amazing.

There are certainly things I wish were different in my life. I wish I was done with grad school and I wish I had time to really unpack and get the house in order. Hell, I wish I weighed ten pounds less than I do. What if I got all of those things? Would I just wish for more? The present is where I should try to spend most of my time. There will be days that utterly suck, but there will always be joys within those days. I will still have hugs and kisses from my kids, laughter with M, and white wine in the fridge. I can watch TV on command for heaven's sake. How bad can life be?

Not bad. Not bad at all.

A Weekend of Hope

2010-09-20T10:00:00.001-05:00

I never really thought about what it would be like to be a young widow until a day in the late spring of 2008 when I came across Matt's blog. It's amazing to look back and see how far we have come since a group of people scattered across the country started helping a scruffy looking new widower and his beautiful little girl.

This weekend I left my family in Houston and traveled to Minneapolis for The Liz Logelin Foundation's Celebration of Hope and 5K. It was amazing to see friends that I count among my closest and to meet many people in person for the first time.

The Celebration of Hope was a fun and inspiring event. I was able to meet some of the widows and widowers that have applied for help and I was humbled by their stories. Much like last year, it was a night of tears, laughter, and amazing people.

The morning of the 5K was sunny and cold. It was a great day for an outdoor event!

Danielle and the dedicated volunteer army did a fantastic job planning the 5K. This was the first year that we hired a race coordinator and certified the course.

Generous sponsors donated power bars, water, and even ice cream! The Robot was there, too, if course.

Kelly got to start the race with the air horn, and they were off!

The first place runner came in at about 19 minutes, I think, which sounds insanely fast to me. It was a wonderful and amazing day. The temperatures were quite cool by the time we packed everything up, so we decided to warm up with some cheese curds. (Yes, they were very good.)

The Liz Logelin Foundation is unique in that it does not put stipulations on how grant money is spent and it doesn't judge the relationship that made the applicant a widow or widower. Partners and fiancees are welcome to apply. They just want to help a grieving families with children. The people that need help are your neighbors and your coworkers. They sit next to you in church and on the subway. They pass you in the grocery store. The next time you read an article about someone who has been killed and has a family that mourns them, think for a few minutes about how life would change for your family if something tragic and unforeseen happened to you or your spouse. The LLF wants to bring hope to people that grieve and have to keep going for their kids. I am so proud to be a part of that. It has been deeply humbling and I hope that it continues to grow.

The online auction is still going, so please check out the items and bid if something catches your eye. You can also donate here.

Show and Tell: Little Owls and Purses

2010-08-19T10:30:00.000-05:00

Every day when I pick up the kids I also get a sheet of paper with all of E's information for the day. It tells when when and what she ate, when she slept, things she needs and a few sentences about something she enjoyed doing that day. For the past few weeks, her teacher has written about her love of the dress up corner. "E enjoyed wearing hats and carrying a purse." So, since every little girl should have a purse, I decided to buy some for play at home. I didn't want to just go out and buy something that everyone else had, so I turned to a very talented seamstress, Sarah. (Seriously, she does amazing work.)

The package arrived yesterday with two adorable purses made with beautiful fabric. Along with the purses cam two gorgeous little owls! Owls have a special meaning to us because our last name means owl in Polish. I have been trying to find things with owls and squirrels (E's nickname is little squirrel) for her room and have also tried to add them to L's, as well. These are perfect. I knew they were a bonus, though, because I didn't order them. It turns out that my dear friend and talented yogini, Teal, and her husband Mike commissioned them for the kids. I was so touched.

Working full time with two kids can make you feel a little isolated from your friends, but when you get reminders that someone special is thinking about you and your family it makes the distance seem nonexistent. I love the purses and the owls just as I love and appreciate the people that sent them.

For more Show & Tell go here!

My Bum Ticker

2010-08-11T15:05:00.001-05:00

I have accepted the fact that stress is a part of my life. Isn't it a part of everyone's? At least ten times a day I hear people referring to it: I am so stressed! This is really stressing me out! So, I plug along with my own little (ok, large) bag of stresses, like kids, work, lack of sick leave, and a house that seems to become messy as soon as you clean it. A few weeks ago, as I lay in bed, my heart decided to take up acrobatics as a hobby. It is the most disconcerting feeling when you have a palpitation, and I was having many of them. I tried my deep breathing and drinking more water, but they continued. It dawned on me that I was due for my one year follow up with the cardiologist after the postpartum troubles I had last year.

My cardiologist is ok. He's not the best doctor I've ever had, but he'll do for now, but I think I'll get a new one soon. I made my appointment and was hooked up to various devices and given an echo cardiogram (heart ultrasound). When I reported my palpitations, they decided to monitor me for 24 hours. While I waited for the PA to come back with my monitor, I got to look at this lovely work of 3-D art on the wall. I think it's supposed to be soothing.

I got a bunch of sensors stuck to me, the PA got to see me in my bra (lucky him), and I had to carry a device about the size of a handheld tape recorder with a compact flash card inside to record data. I looked quite bionic.

That thing was a huge pain in the ass. It was uncomfortable, the adhesive on the sensors made me itch and sleeping with it was not fun. I really feel for the people that have to do the 48 hours monitoring. As soon as I could, I turned it back in and about a day later I got a call from the PA that saw me in my bra. He said they recorded episodes of sinus tachycardia (rapid heartbeat) that coincided with my episode journal and I needed beta blockers. I tried to ask questions, but he was clearly following orders, so I just told him "ok" and hung up. I'm not taking any pills until I talk to the doctor, but I have a stress test next week so it will be a little while. It boggles my mind that they are willing to give pills to a healthy, 34 year old non-smoker without even trying to address issues such as caffeine, stress, or other environmental factors.

As annoyed as I was with the system, I was at least smart enough to realize that this is a wake-up call. I see moms with more kids and more worries that seem to handle life better than I do. I don't know what it is about me that makes the stress levels get to this point, but I know it's something I need to be more aware of. I've already cut back my caffeine intake quite a bit (ouch), I have ordered some yoga DVDs, and I have asked M to help with more things around the house, which he is always willing to do. Small changes can lead to long term changes, so that's what I'm going to try. I need to find a way to see the joys in life even when things get stressful. I have a lot to be joyful about.

P.S. We still have a lot of boxes to unpack. Any volunteers?

Show and Tell - Dinosaurs

2010-07-29T08:50:00.001-05:00

Suzy has started her own show and tell! I love these types of posts because it gives little snippets of insight into blog friends that you might not see otherwise.

We have gathered a large number of Lego products in the relatively short time that we have been parents. M was a Lego kid and I grew up with them, as well. Both kids like to play with them, throw them, eat them, etc... More recently, they have become more interested in actually creating things with them. L's current obsession with dinosaurs inspired M to create this Lego (duplo) dinosaur.

I can do a lot of things. I can cook, clean, wipe tears, put those tiny little rubber bands in baby hair, and participate in toddler dance parties. I cannot, however, build representational art with Lego. I am so glad that the kids have a dad that a) loves Lego as much as they do and b) has the artistic ability to make things that actually look like....things.

I think L is happy, too.

The Difference A Week Makes

2010-07-12T12:56:00.000-05:00

The 4th of July weekend was full of fireworks, but unfortunately a lot of the red was from the roseola that E developed. I have never seen her so miserable. To top it off, poor M threw out his back in a big way and spent most of the weekend in bed with a heating pad and lots of aleve. Luckily, we were with family and so I had lots of help from my mother. E stayed inside with her fever and spots while L played with my brother.

As we planned, my mom came back with us when we returned home and stayed the whole week. I was nervous for a couple of reasons: 1) My mom and I have always had a somewhat strained relationship and 2) I suck at letting people help me. However, with two kids under 3 I have finally given up on the idea of being the working mom who can do everything. The truth is, I suck at that, too. Besides, with E so sick I had no other choice. She was able to help me take care of E and we kept L home from daycare for a few days so he could spend some on-on-one time with Nana. Since I had help, M was able to rest and we were able to go out THREE nights last week. I even got a girls night out with Maura on Friday! It was amazing and much needed.

For one week, I stepped into a different world of parenting. I always knew that having family close by made a big difference, but I never realized how much of a difference until I actually experienced it. Towels were clean, children were happy, M and I were.......happy? That's right! The stress level dropped dramatically as did the frequency of sarcastic remarks. Having that help really made me see what a strain all of this has had on our marriage. I actually had time to enjoy my kids instead of worrying about feeding them, bathing them, and making sure everything was just so.

It all makes sense to me. Our friends with small children that have family in town just seem to be happier. They don't have to worry about babysitters, lack of babysitters, scheduling nights out months ahead of time or getting into a bind with no family to rely on. We do have friends that we could call, of course, but you always feel so badly when you have to do that. I know that having family close by doesn't get rid of stress, but it certainly cuts down on a lot of it.

Much of our stress is temporary. We have not sold our old house, which means we are paying two mortgages and M is taking care (mowing, fixing, etc..) of two houses. The space program is cutting many, many jobs and while I think we're ok, there is always that fear. Despite all of that, I feel strangely positive. I want to try to continue this feeling that the week with help gave to me. Ok, so our house looks like we moved in yesterday instead of 5 months ago. We'll just have to tackle that as we can. We'll just have to tackle everything as we can. In the mean time, I'll just hope that everyone is right when they say, "it gets easier".

The Tree

2010-06-25T14:33:00.001-05:00

When I was growing up, we never really took any amazing vacations. There were a few camping excursions and one memorable rip to Martha's Vineyard, but for the most part we went to Iowa. My father grew up in a very small town in Western Iowa and most of his 6 siblings stayed in the area. Every summer we would pack up whatever small car we were driving at the time and head due north. It's amazing to think about now. There were no DVD players or PSPs to keep us entertained. My brother and I mostly fought, played roadside bingo, or just stared out the window. We loved visiting the small town where no one locked their doors and we could walk to the corner store for candy. My grandmother (Nana) and Aunt J would cook wonderful meals and many, many homemade pies. Oh, the pies! For many years, I never missed a visit. For the last two summers I haven't been able to go because of a lack of time off or the fact that I was giving birth, like I was last year. Thanks to the generosity of my parents, we were able to purchase three plane tickets and so we headed to Iowa!

L enjoyed the airport and the airplanes. He had a major meltdown as we landed, but it turned out he had a dirty diaper and we didn't know it. (He was much better on the return trip.)

We stayed with my aunt and uncle on their farm and I think the kids thought that one of their books came to life. There were tractors and cows and barn cats. L went fishing and made friends with a very patient black lab. There were lots of walks with Dad, too.

One of the things I really wanted to do was visit the big tree. This tree has been around for years and years. My father played in it, and so did I. I was so happy that I was able to bring my kids there. I hope that my grandchildren will someday play there, as well.

L and E made themselves right at home and had a great time.

The hassle of flying with two kids was huge. I think we will be driving, if at all possible, for our future trips. However, once we got there, I was so glad we made the time. Now that I am lucky enough to have kids of my own, I realize how much the trips to Iowa influenced me. The hardworking, down to earth people in this small community are a part of me and a part of who I have become. It brought me so much joy to see my aunts, uncles, and cousins playing with the kids. Every time I visit, I never want to leave. This time was no exception.

One Year

2010-06-15T08:23:00.000-05:00

Dear E,

One year ago you came into the world and made our family complete. I admit that I wasn't really ready for you, but the moment we met you we knew that you were the missing piece in our lives and hearts. We have never looked back.

The first year of your life was full of a lot of change that you aren't even aware of. Through all of it you were a happy little baby with nothing but a smile and a giggle when we needed it the most. Your brother is fascinated with you. He always asks about you when you aren't around and even though he sometimes tips you over or takes your toys, I know he loves you very much. I think that someday soon you will both be conspiring against me!

Your favorite pastime is eating. You also love music and start to dance any time you hear a tune. I can't go anywhere without having you in my arms or at my feet, which is sometimes hard because you are one big girl! Climbing is another one of your hobbies, but we can sometimes talk you into sitting in a chair and drawing. We haven't been able to talk you out of eating the crayons, though.

I was always afraid that I wouldn't be a good mother to a daughter and I still have that fear, especially as you get older. I can already see your personality coming through. You have just the right mix of happiness, curiosity and skepticism. I hope you keep that and I hope you always know that I love having a daughter. As much as I would love to slow time just a little, I cannot wait to watch you grow into a toddler, a girl, and then an amazing woman. Happy birthday, little one

May Update - Forward and Back

2010-06-08T15:26:00.000-05:00

In many ways, May was a month of progress. We unpacked more boxes and M was able to do a lot of small repairs around the old house so we can put it on the market. Unfortunately, I had to stop running in order to give M time to do that. I felt like ti was a huge step back and I miss it. The lack of a regular babysitter is beginning to be a problem. Despite all of the unpacking we've done, it feels like our house looks just as terrible. Is it possible that the pile is growing??

The very end of the month took a turn for the comically awful when we bought a new van. The night that M drove up to try to jump on a deal for a vehicle we really wanted, he broke down on the way there. By the time he and the truck limped to the dealership, the van had been sold. He left the truck there for repair and a good friend rescued him. It was no small favor since the dealership was about an hour away. The next day, he went out a bought a 2010 and we gave up on trying to find the perfect deal. I know I swore that I would never own a minivan, but it's very nice and extremely handy. I have been assimilated.

Even though I had to stop running, I managed to lose five pounds in May! I did this by being stressed out all the time and being much more strict with what I eat. I reduced my portions at dinner, quit drinking my glass of wine (no drinking on weeknights only - I'm still human, after all) and I have a can of soup for lunch every day. I also curb the snacking, which was not hunger related, by chewing gum. It is amazing how much better my clothes fit and how much more enjoyable it is to face myself in the mirror.

My goals for June:

Keep Losing Weight! - I am only a few pounds from my initial goal weight and I want to keep going.

Keep Unpacking - I know the bottom has to be there somewhere

Go to the Doctor and Start Running Again - I jammed my toe into the door a few weeks ago and it's still swollen and painful. I think it might be broken. I need to take care of that before I can run again. Oops.

Escape

2010-05-11T12:49:00.002-05:00

At first I thought that maybe something was wrong with the debit machine at the store, but when it didn't work a second time I knew that something was amiss. A call to the bank confirmed that my card, or it's number, was stolen and Visa (thank you, Visa) shut the card down and did not allow any further charges. The woman at the bank asked me if I had recently been in the Dallas area. When I told her I had not, she said that the location must have tipped them off. I was curious, so I asked about the places they tried to use the card. It was nothing exciting. A few food places in the mall and Wal-Mart were all they could muster. Didn't they want to have more fun? Didn't they try to buy a fancy dress or treat everyone to a round of drinks? Wal-Mart was the best they could do? Even though I was very, very glad that no money was actually spent by these criminals, the fact that such a mundane mix of stores called for an alert depressed me. I am so boring and so sedentary that I really only ever go to two places: HEB (groceries) and Target. That's it. Other than the occasional clothes purchase, my monthly cell phone bill, and the daycare check, my bank account would put you to sleep.

At work and amongst my friends I hear talk of summer vacations. Everyone has a great plan, whether it's the beach or Disney or a cabin somewhere. I am not ashamed to admit that I am jealous. I was jealous when, as a child, we only took one trip per summer in the car to Iowa. We would visit my dad's family, look at the farm, swim in the lake, and go home. I swore that when I had my own family I would take trips and drive to the beach and have lots of fun in the summers. We are only going one place this summer. You guessed it - Iowa. We are going on a plane, though, so at least there won't be a long drive to endure.

I want to be the trip people. I want my facebook status to say "We decided to take a last minute trip to the beach! What a great weekend!" We aren't those people. We are stay-at-home-and-do housework people. We are take care-of-the-yard-and-blow-up-the-inflatable-pool type people. Just once, though, I would love to have the time and financial freedom to take a short, last minute cruise or drive to the Hill Country to see what we can see. I don't want to leave my life or my family, I just think we need a little escape. Of course, maybe I should just stay put. They might shut my card down again if I leave the area. I guess I better go warn the bank about the Iowa trip.

April Update - Stalled

2010-05-03T13:29:00.001-05:00

If you want to know more about The Plan and why I'm doing this, go here! You can also visit The Plan's blog!

April was an ok month, but by the end I just sort of felt like I wasn't really getting anywhere. From a weight loss perspective, I didn't lose at all. I am trying really hard to get back into my eating routine, which is not where I am now. I did continue the running and it is going pretty well. I haven't run in a week because of a nasty cold, but I will simply repeat the last week and go from there. That is one of the nicest features of the Couch to 5K. It allows life to happen while you're training!

We have made a committment to work really hard on unpacking boxes and sorting throughout junk. I took several bags of clothes to the Goodwill and mailed a lot of baby and maternity clothes to people I know who can use them. We still have a long way to go, though, and I have to try very hard not to get overwhelmed by that. Family time has been going well. We went to the zoo last weekend and L hugged a "dolphin".

A good time was had by all.

I am hopeful about this month, mainly because BOTH kids are sleeping through the night. That's right. It is a day that I never thought would come, but miracles do happen. Actually, getting E to sleep through the night was easy. There were a few cry-it-out sessions, but after two nights, she was fine. L has finally adjusted to his new bed and room. He does have bad dreams, sometimes, but he's not up two or three times a night like he used to be. It is amazing how the knowledge that you will get to sleep without interruption improves your outlook and ability to handle just about everything. I didn't list it as a goal, but I'm writing about it because I think it qualifies a a major accomplishment!!

Ok, the goals for May:

1) Get back to clean eating. I want to recommit to my points plan and identify the things that cause me to make bad eating choices.

2) Keep running!

3)Keep unpacking. If we can stay focused on the weekend I think we will be set in no time!

4) Scrutinize expenses. We recently got a terminal diagnosis for our current kid friendly car. It needs more repairs than it's worth, so we're looking for a low-mileage used vehicle. We're looking at a Toyota Sienna or a Honda CRV. We are lucky enough to have money saved for just such an occurrence, but it's still a major money hemorrhage, so I need to examine our expenses this month. I'm mainly going to concentrate on the grocery bill, since we really don't go out. I still think we waste too much food and I know that there are things in the pantry that we need to eat. I was an avid meal planner, but got away from it, so it's time to get back on track.

What are your goals this month?

The Almost New Me

2010-04-21T08:10:00.000-05:00

If you are visiting from ICLW, please read the "about me". It's great to have you here!!

I never struggled to keep weight off until I was about 30, which was when I got married and got off the pill. I guess I should have known at that point that something was wonky with my hormones The second I stopped taking them, I started gaining weight. Until that time, I was that girl you hated. I could eat anything and not gain a pound. I ate like a bird most of the time and never worked out. Ever. (I get mad at myself just writing that!)

After L was born I was able to lose the pregnancy weight fairly easily and even lost an additional 15, thanks to Weight Watchers. It's a different story this time. E is 10 months and I am still 6 to 7 lbs away from my initial goal weight and 13 or 14 pounds away from my ultimate, ass-kicking weight goal. I can see it, I can sense it, but I just can't get there. I think my lack of motivation is caused by stress, certainly, but some of it is the newness of the struggle. I don't know how to actually diet. I am terrible at it. I have discovered that I have absolutely no willpower. I don't eat fast food or have a pound of chocolate every night, but I know that the bowl of cereal that I sometimes (ok, often) have at 9:30pm is NOT helping. I like chips and I enjoy adding bacon to my food on occasion.

This week I start week 4 of the Couch to 5K program. I have not run on a regular basis since I was in high school and although my almost 35 year old body complains, it's going pretty well. I am so proud of my dedication to this, if I do say so myself. If I could just get a handle on the food part, I think I would be in business. Here are my ideas to kick this into gear:

1) Recommit to Weight Watchers
2) Plan weekly meals again
3) Don't eat unless I'm hungry (this is gong to be really, really hard)
4) Eat fruits and veggies for snacks

So, what else? Have you done this? What were your techniques to fight the diet sabotaging urges?

Sisterhood

2010-04-19T08:31:00.000-05:00

When I entered the ALI community, I wasn't sure what my journey would be or who I would "meet". I was fortunate enough to come across JJ's blog and when she organized a group of IF pen-pals, I signed up immediately. Three years later, my journey has changed quite a bit and I know that I never could have made it without the wonderful Braces Bunch.

As we struggle with sleep issues in our house, I spend most days in a zombie-liek state. It's Seussgirl to the rescue! I received a wonderful package in the mail with lots of good things to help me wake up a bit.

E tried to take the chocolate covered coffee beans. Think again, my little night owl!!

I am so thankful to have these wonderful ladies in my life. I count them all as friends and I hope we stay in touch for years to come. Happy Anniversary, Braces Bunch!!!

Master of None

2010-04-13T13:54:00.001-05:00

I never really think about the difference between being a stay and home mom versus a working one. I know that "mommy bloggers" like to get riled up about it, but as far as I can gather, they are both very hard jobs. I never really thought I would be good at being a SAHM. I am reserved and it takes me a little while to warm up to people. I love spending time with my children, but when I see how they have flourished in Montessori school, I wonder if being at home full time would be as beneficial. I live in an area where being a SAHM is a sign of affluence and something to show off, like a new car. "Oh, look, I can afford to stay at home because my husband makes so much money."   I know it isn't like that in many areas, but in this one, it's as good as getting a new Mercedes or diamond necklace. I work because, well, I have to work. I don't have the highest paying job in the world, but I make enough to pay for a daycare that the kids love and to pay for things we need (and some we don't).

Lately, I have thought a lot about the choices I have made and what it means to be happy vs being fulfilled. I have been working for my current company for over three years and have been in HR for almost five years. Prior to HR, I was a public school music teacher for six years. To further my new career, I enrolled in grad school and have been plugging along in between breaks when I had L and E. I do a good job. I like HR and I know a lot about it. Last week, my boss met with me to let me know that I would not be getting the promotion I was expecting. I wasn't entirely surprised. If you know me outside of this blog, you know that the industry I work in is going through a big transition and many companies are tightening their belts in preparation for the unknown. Nevertheless, I was devastated. I looked back on the weekends that I have worked, the late pick-ups, the schedule juggling, and I wonder if all of that was just wasted time. I guess I just feel discouraged. I'm almost 35 and I'm not sure that I'm really that good at my job and I'm not sure that I'm really that good at being a mom, either. A Jack of all trades and master of none.

I try not to compare myself to others because you never really know what goes on in someone's life, but it's hard not to, sometimes. I see these people with clean houses, children that sleep, and careers that are on fire I have to wonder: what are they doing that I'm not? (I'm also beginning to think that the people who keep telling me "your kids are little, things will get easier" are sorta full of shit.) Most of the questions I ask myself don't really have answers other than "just wait and see". In the grand scheme of things, the issues are small. My disappointment will fade (I hope) and I'll keep looking for a new job or just settle for the one I have now. I realize that having a job is something to be thankful for in this economy. All you can do sometimes is stand up, dust off, and keep going. Maybe I'm not the world's most patient or saintly mom and maybe my kids don't ride around in the fanciest car or have clothes from places other than Target, but I will do everything I can to make sure they know they are loved, because they are. They are loved more than anything.

March Update

2010-04-09T16:12:00.003-05:00

I am a bit behind, but I seem to be nothing but behind these days!
My goals for March were Start Exercising, Get Everyone Healthy and Get Organized.

I started the Couch to 5K (C25K) a few weeks ago, thanks to Danielle and her inspiring progress! It has been really nice. I worked out an arrangement with M where he takes the kids to the neighborhood park so I can meet them there when I'm done. This is a nice time of year, so the weather has been great. One of the biggest reasons we bought in our neighborhood was the green belt. I run through the neighborhood

and then it goes around a small bayou.



I see people down there all the time, but I think they're crazy because we do get alligators. It's a nice way to wind down. When the weather gets too brutal, which it will, I'll have to move my workouts inside. For now, though, I am enjoying my runs. It's not as difficult a I thought it would be and I feel great. I highly recommend the program!

We had a good month, health-wise. I think that getting everyone outside helped and both kids are really enjoying the weather. We travels to see my parents for Easter and even got L to collect some eggs at the community egg hunt. He was so tired from the fun that he fell asleep riding on M's shoulders as we walked home.



I got a new dress for Easter and I think I see a bit of a change because of the running! (pardon the blurry phone pic)




The only ting I did not accomplish was the organizing. That was a big, giant fail. So, I will move that to this month's goals, again.

My goals for April are:

1) Keep Running!

2) Get Organized - unpack boxes, unpack boxes and unpack boxes

3) Make more of an effort to spend time as a family at least one day per weekend

4) Start taking more photos

5) Get my garden started

Bored

2010-03-22T13:12:00.000-05:00

I've been struggling with feelings of boredom at work. I know, join the club, right? I am thankful that I have a job, but I've always wanted to do something more than just keep a seat warm. For six years I was an elementary school music teacher and it was challenging. The material and lesson plan research was interesting and the children were definitely a big part of the reason that I was completely exhausted by the end of the day. When I decided to quit I was so burned out that I didn't care if I ever stepped foot in another school as long as I lived. I chose HR as my second career because I thought it would be interesting and a fairly smooth transition from education. Lately, I have found myself thinking about teaching again. I suppose the schedule is very appealing when you have children, but mostly I miss the feeling that I am doing something. I miss the feeling that I am actually using my brain and making a difference.

I am about one year away from finishing a MA in HR and I really don't want to drop out now. I think that I can help people by working in HR, but my work seems a tad meaningless at the moment. I am going to try to look for a new job, but with the economy and the space program's budget woes, I'm not sure I will find anything that is as close and convienint. I will probably end up stayng put and trying to talk to my boss about potenial growth. I hope I can take on some interesting projects soon. Being bored makes each day seem like two.

On the home front we had L's 2 year birthday party, which was very nice. I could tell by the way our livingroom looked afterward that everyone had a good time.

E was 9 months on the 15th and is in the 95th percentile for weight and the 82nd percentile for height. Yikes. We're working on weaning her from her midnight bottle and hoping she sleeps through the night soon.

The mountain of boxes from the move has not gotten smaller, unfortunately, and the unpacking fairy that I ordered has not arrived. I suppose I will have to do it myself. How disappointing.

Swinging

2010-03-12T16:32:00.000-06:00

There were a lot of things I didn't appreciate in my younger days. I didn't appreciate my wrinkle free skin or my flat stomach. I didn't appreciate my ability to eat anything and not gain any weight. (Those days are O-VER.) Most of all, I didn't appreciate my ability to sleep when I wanted. Tired on a Saturday? Take a nap! Feel like sleeping in? Go ahead! Oh, how recklessly I wasted my opportunities to sleep! How carelessly I tossed aside a suggestion to "get some rest" or "take a nap." The current me wants to go back and yell at the 20-something me, "You fool!! Sleep!"

I feel like I will never catch up on sleep. I am obsessed with it. E still gets up a few times a night, or more, because of teething. L is still adjusting to his new room and has been waking me up by coming to the side of the bed and handing me his pj bottoms and his diaper. At 5am. I feel like I am swinging back and forth on an endless ride of exhaustion, coffee and sugar. I want to get off. I want both kids to sleep so that I can sleep. I hear about people whose kids sleep. Who are they? How does this happen? Being this tired is like having super PMS. It makes you emotional and irrational. I don't want to get all political, but sleep deprivation is torture, people. If they need my kids at Gitmo, we may be able to work something out. One week with my little angels and those terrorists will sing like canaries.

The Plan 2010: February Update

2010-03-08T11:53:00.000-06:00

The month of February was a blur of boxes, sickness and confusion. The boxes are good because it means we MOVED! The confusion means that I cannot find anything. Well, that's not entirely true, but I will think of something I need and then realize that I have no earthly idea where it is. The sickness struck our house again. L was diagnosed with strep and was put on another round of antibiotics which seemed to disagree with his stomach. We spent the wee hours of last weekend up and holding a bucket under him while he threw up all night. In the morning, he was fine. We took milk out of his diet and it seemed to help, buy then he had a relapse and got sick at school. So, I stopped giving him his meds and the throwing up stopped, as well. He has his 2 year check-up today and I will be discussing this with his doctor. This week, it was my turn to be knocked down. For the past two days I have been completely flattened by a stomach bug, It was not fun, but I did lose a few pounds, so maybe this is the weight loss jump start I need!

The move sort of put everything on hold this month. We did eat out more, although that has stopped in the past week. I have not been great about taking my vitamins, but since my stomach seems to like me again, I will be back on track with that, as well. March has two big goals for me:

1)Start exercising!! - Our new neighborhood has a wonderful greenbelt and I am going to start using it this weekend. I have been inspired by Danielle's success with the couch to 5K program and might give that a shot if I can work out a consistent schedule.

2)Get everyone healthy - This has been a hard winter and I am looking forward to a little more time in the sun. I want to get us out of the house a little more and make sure that the kids are more active. A little fresh air and sunshine can go a long way towards making everyone feel better, I think.

3) Get Organized - I have so many boxes to go through it's amazing and completely overwhelming.
My goal is to try to go through at least one box per night. People tell me that it's the best way to unpack, but any tips that you have would be welcome.
Happy March, everyone!

Two Years

2010-02-25T08:14:00.000-06:00

Dear L,

Two years ago today you were born and your dad and I were beyond thrilled. You came into this world and gave the loudest cry I have ever heard. You've been making your presence known ever since.

You've gone through a lot of changes in the past year. We've added your sister to the family, you started going to a new (and better) daycare, and we just moved into a new house! Despite all of the new stuff, you've taken it in stride and you are mostly a curious and happy boy.

You love to be outside and you hate wearing socks in the house. You want to climb, jump and swing almost constantly and I think you would live at the park if we let you.

Your favorite phrase is "I want milk" followed by "I want Daddy". You also like to say the parts of your face and we will often hear you exclaim "Oh no!" if something exciting happens on TV. I have seen your father's stubborn streak in you and you will often say "No!", "Out!" or "Go!" if you don't want us interfering with your fun. You couldn't live without Wonder Pets and Sesame Street, but you also love it when someone reads to you. Your best friend, besides Elmo, is your dad. You two are best buds and I hope it always stays that way.

We love you, little man. We couldn't imagine our lives without you!

Moving On

2010-02-16T11:48:00.002-06:00

I had my annual well woman exam recently. It was an odd experience to sit in that waiting room with no pregnancy to check on. I watched all of the other pregnant women come and go and I felt a little sad. Don’t get me wrong, I am very happy with L and E and feel very grateful for what I have. With my health issues, I don’t think having another baby would be worth the risk, but this was the first time that I really thought about never having another child. E is growing up so fast. She crawls, tries to pull up, claps her hands and loves to interact with everyone. There is almost no evidence of the newborn that would fall asleep on my chest. L will be two next week and rarely has time to stop for a hug or kiss. It’s just go, go, go with an occasional break for Sesame Street. My babies are now children.

This weekend we are finally moving into our new house. It has new tile, carpet and laminate floors as well as a new fridge and all new bedroom furniture. It’s going to be a new life in a new and bigger house. It is long overdue. I curse our current house at least once a day. It’s not the house’s fault, we’ve just outgrown it. I get a little teary eyed when I think that L and E won’t remember this place. We brought both of our babies to this house and this house was the last visit that M’s dad made before he passed away. As ready as I am to move, and I am VERY ready, it has been our home for the last 5 years and I will miss it. Life goes on, though, and we are fortunate enough to have a new home that we will fill with new “firsts” and new memories. Closing doors and moving on is a part of living and I don’t mind feeling a little sad and nostalgic. I think that when you remember something, you honor it.

So, wish us luck! If you don’t hear from me, I’m probably trapped under a pile of boxes…..

The Plan: January

2010-01-29T10:09:00.000-06:00

As the month comes to a close, I am taking a moment to look back and think about how The Plan is working for me. There are probably three things that I did consistantly this month that fit into my goals.

1) Saving more, wasting less - The meal planning has continued and we have been able to almost completely avoid eating out. I am always surprised by how much money that saves. What this made me realize, though, was that I need better meal ideas. I will work on getting at least portions of meals prepped ahead of time so that we can eat a greater variety of foods.

2) Vitamins - I have been pretty good about the vitamins! I take a woman's multi, a calcium supplement and fish oil for my brain. (I need all the help I can get in the brains department).

3) I am trying to gather a group of girls for a weekend in New Orleans. I'm not sure if we can coordinate everyone's schedules, but I am really going to try to make it happen.

I added some habits that have made things easier to break down and accomplish. I set a few weekly goals to keep myself motivated and I put them on Twitter so that I have some accountability. I am often unable to finish all of them, but even getting one done makes me feel pretty good. We also started a cooking blog where people can post recipes! It's been a great way to share ideas when you need something new for dinner.

February should be an interesting month. We will (we BETTER) be moving into our new house, finally. That will make for some stressful days, but it will also help me with my goal of simplifying and throwing things away. I will also finally have room for a home yoga practice, which I have really missed. After a break of two semesters, I have returned to graduate school so that I can finally finish my MA in HR. I'm not exactly sure when I will be graduating since I took the "baby break", but I probably only have two or three semesters left. I cannot wait!!

An amazing community has sprung up from The Plan. I love seeing people connect and share advice, information and just supporting each other. It makes it so much easier to look forward when you have someone cheering you along.

Blog You Very Much

2010-01-20T11:14:00.001-06:00

As I was catching up on my blogroll, I came across the always wonderful JJ, who inspired me to write a post about the people in my life who inspire me to keep blogging and, in many cases, just to keep going. Being grateful is one thing, but telling the people who help you that you are grateful is a wonderful exercise. It makes you very aware of all of the good things you have in your life. I highly recommend it!

Thank you, JJ for starting the Braces Bunch and giving me a means of support that has gone on for over two years (?) now. I have gotten so much strength and inspiration from everyone's struggles and triumphs. What a wonderful community!

Thank you, Amy @ A Somewhat Ordinary Life, for always being such a great Twitter friend and commiserator (is that a word?) when it comes to the craziness of having a toddler. I love that our boys are so close in age!

Thank you, Seussgirl, for always being there with a note or a card. You have your hands sooo full right now, yet you always find the time to reach out to people.

Thank you, Darcie, for always leaving encouraging comments and for being my coupon inspiration! You are always one of the first people to leave me a message and I appreciate it so much. It's nice knowing another
mom with two that are so close in age.

Thank you, Kate, for your blog posts, love of NASA, and for being so ::awesomesauce::

Thank you to Kelly and Danielle. I love you both and couldn't get through most days without you.

Thank you, Maura, for being such a great friend. When I had to go back into the hospital after I had E, you didn't hesitate to help. It made me feel so much better because I knew that L was somewhere safe and fun. I will never forget that kindness.

Thank you, Teal, for all of your help in life and in all things related to graphic design. (The Foundation thanks you, too).

Lastly, thank you members of The Plan 2010! I love the little community we have going and I can already tell that this is going to be a great thing for everyone!

Do you have people you would like to thank?

Drifting

2010-01-18T14:49:00.000-06:00

When I went back to work after having L, I wrote this post about feeling disconnected and unsure of my new "position" as a parent. It's interesting to read that now and remember how it felt to be a new mom. After the encouraging comments I received, I started a sort of moms group that met once every few months for dinner and a chance to get out of the house. With the exhaustion and sickness of my pregnancy with Em, I sort of let it go. I have to admit that I was disappointed that no one seemed to notice when the dinners stopped. No one asked why or when we might meet again. Since the interest didn't seem to be there, I never started the dinners again after I had Em.

Now that I have two kids and a much better daycare situation, the guilt I feel for working is not as heavy. I view work as my break. I can eat, go to the bathroom, and have adult conversations whenever I want to. It's practically a cruise. My disconnected feeling, while still there sometimes, was helped greatly when I got an iPhone. That may sound silly, but having access to news, weather, social networking and almost everything else connects me to a world that can feel a little lonely, sometimes.

One of the goals on the list for my 2010 Plan is to reach out to people and make more of an effort to connect with others. Lately, I have been wondering what that means. I have, maybe, two friends who I spend time with and kids are always involved. I have no friends in the area that I can spend time with away from kids without a monumental effort to coordinate schedules and procure sitters. To be honest, the effort combined with my constant exhaustion level makes me lazy about planning anything. I know that my friends probably feel the same way. I don't remember my mother ever having many friends when we were little, other than her sister. M told me that his mom really didn't have anyone, outside of family, to go out with. It wasn't done back then and mothers didn't expect it. That leads me to the question of entitlement. Am I expecting too much? Is it selfish of me to want to go out and have time with friends outside of my role as a parent? Should I save any free time I have to spend with M? If I am able to get out of the house once every 6 months, should I just be grateful and shut up about it?

Sometimes I think that this drifting feeling I have is just a part of my motherhood experience. I know that there are other moms that have tons of mom friends and know many people with kids the same age as theirs, but that just isn't me. For whatever reason, the efforts I have made have felt forced or haven't panned out. Some say that things will get easier as the kids get older; they will join sports or other activities and we will have more opportunities to get to know other parents. That just isn't our reality right now and maybe the angst I am feeling is my inability to accept that. In the mean time, I am going to keep drifting, I guess.

Is that your reality as well? Do you have many friends with kids the same age as yours? How did you meet them? Do you still have friends from your "single" days?

Frenemy

2010-01-06T13:46:00.000-06:00

The word frenemy pretty much sums up my relationship with food. I like it, but the really good stuff isn;t good for you. It's fun to eat, but tryng to get a meal on the table during the week is hard. For most of my childhood, food was an object of contention. My mother suffered from an eating disorder and went into treatment when I was 11 or so. Even when she returned, her need to control all of the food in the house was strong. We were never allowed to eat anything without asking first. We could not have friends over and eat a bag of chips in the cupboard without making sure it was ok. So, food and meals were a source of stress.

When I met M, I was introduced to a group of people that loved to cook. I am so grateful to to them because they helped give the confidence to try to cook and they gave me lessons in the positive side of meals. Cooking and eating were reasons to experiment with different dishes, drink wine and have fun with friends. I view food and eating much differently now, and you can tell by my waistline!

After L was born I went on Weight Watchers with great success. I am now on the same plan and am about 10 to 15 pounds away from my goal weight. The challenge I face is how to cook for my self and my family while staying healthy and without sucking the fun out of the whole experience. In order to save money and time we plan our meals on a weekly basis. Like Gina, we have a set number of meals that I have found to be easy and good to eat. One easy way I have found to make everything a little healthier is cutting out the white flour carbs. Rice is always brown, pasta is always whole wheat and rolls are always wheat, as well. I also have a vegetable (non-corn) side dish with every meal. As an example, here is what we've had the past few weeks:

Shrimp/veggies/brown rice
Veggie burgers/baked fries/salad
baked talapia/brown rice/veggies
Pizza (store bought, thin crust) - Mondays are pizza nights
Soup (sometimes homemade, sometimes from a can)
Stir fry veggies with sausage
Meal-in-a-bag (not that great as a healthy dish)
Whole Wheat Pasta with sauce and salad
Pierogis and veggies
Turkey Burgers/baked fries/salad

I am looking for some new dishes to put in the rotation that are WW friendly and quick for weekday meals. I am also looking for healthy snacks to take to work and an eating schedule that will keep my blood sugar from doing crazy things and keep me away from the sweets & salties!

It's not too late to join The Plan 2010!! Even if you don't want to join, you can follow it on Twitter and you can check out the blog and the recipe blog!

The Plan

2009-12-30T10:24:00.000-06:00

2009 was a year of extremes. On the high end we had the birth of E. On the low and stressful end, we house hunted, tried unsuccessfully to buy one home and ended up buying another. We are still not moved in. We struggled to keep up with 2 under 2, work, school, health and all of the million little things that make up life. I feel like I haven't had time to catch my breath this year. About a week ago, I decided that there has to be a better way. I am a lucky person. I have two beautiful children, a house, a job and a lot to be thankful for. This point in my life will be stressful, but why is it this stressful? Is there any way I can improve the quality of my life? I decided that I needed a plan. These are not resolutions, mind you, but ways I can make myself more mindful of the three areas in my life that seem to need attention at the moment. In each category I have some general goals that I want to strive towards as the year progresses. Will I accomplish everything? Maybe not, but I will certainly try and I think the effort itself will have a positive outcome.

My question is, would you like to join me? Do you feel the need for a better plan in 2010? You can use my general categories with your own goals or make up a whole new system for yourself. It would be great to have others to check in with and encourage. All it takes is some thinking and one post per month. So, what do you say? My plan is listed below:

Physical Health
- lose and keep off the rest of the baby weight
- Take vitamins!
- Become more active
- Yoga
- Finish dental work that I've been putting off
- Follow-up with breast surgeon

Mental Well Being
- Ask for help when I need it (laundry, dishes, general tasks)
- Simplify (Throw things AWAY)
- Read
- Make more of an effort to connect with people

Self-Improvement
- Save more, waste less

- Plan a weekend get-a-way with girlfriends
- Make an effort to spend more alone time with M
- Find a babysitter other than my parents
- Complain less
- Become a better friend
- Become a better writer
- Become a better photographer

Merry Coughing Christmas

2009-12-27T19:55:00.000-06:00

Ah, Christmas. It was a really good Christmas this year. Interwoven with the family time and eating (ugh, so much eating) was our own little health drama. M stayed home with both kids Monday and Tuesday because daycare was closed for the week. This was fine since we were leaving for my home town on Wednesday. It was also a good thing because we discovered the week before that L had a terrible ear infection and pink eye. We found out by accident when M took him in to check to his never ending cough. So, with both kids on antibiotics along with my own visit to urgent care over the weekend for pink eye and an ear infection, I thought that we were finally on the mend. Then, M got sick and E's cough got worse. Poor M looked after L for a few hours while I took E in again. She was tested for RSV because of a little wheezing. Thankfully, the test was negative, but I was told that since she's already on antibiotics it was probably viral and there wasn't much that could be done. I could give benedryl and try to keep her upright. As a precaution, I was given scrips for some Xopenex, Pulmacourt and a nebulizer. (Those are actually the same things I take for my asthma).

We managed to get everyone well enough to travel a few hours west and made it to B-Town. I was glad to be home and L was thrilled to be able to run around after being cooped up all weekend. Poor E was miserable. The nights were full of coughing fits and crying when she would wake herself up. M sat with her for hours in the rocker since she hated sleeping in the car seat. Thank goodness we were with my parents. My mother took E in the morning so I could go back to sleep and M would nap in the afternoon. My brother and Dad did a great job making sure that L was looked after. I finally decided to break out the neb and started E on twice daily treatments. Her cough has gotten better, although I still have her in the car seat at night. We aren't often sick, and this is the first family wide sickness, so I found the whole experience very stressful. Despite all of that, though, Christmas was wonderful.

Everyone enjoyed the visit and helped out with the kids so much. L and E got a lot of toys and a lot of cuddle time with the family. We ate food, drank wine, and watched TV. The kids even napped at the same time!

Of course, M and I are both utterly exhausted, but I think (hope) that everyone is actually on the mend now.

I hope that your holiday was healthy, happy, and uplifting. As I prepare to say goodbye to 2009, I am working on a new plan for 2010. I hope you'll come back to read about it. I am very excited!

Six Months

2009-12-17T09:02:00.000-06:00

Dear E -

Six months ago you joined us in the "outside" world. I can hardly believe how much you have changed. I have to admit, when I found out I was pregnant, I was very surprised and a little afraid of the chaos that would ensue with two kids so close in age. I was right about the chaos, but I can't imagine our family being complete without you.

You love to smile and have started to make a lot of sounds. I think you're going to be very chatty! You are sitting up very well and love to see the world from this new perspective. You aren't quite crawling yet, but you can definitely move when you're on your tummy. I'm sure that crawling is just around the corner. You love to eat your cereal and you seem to be equally fond of fruits and vegetables.

You and your brother are best friends. You love to laugh at his antics and you already laugh at him when he falls down and bumps his head. (We'll talk about that one later). He tries to comfort you when you get fussy and you even hold hands on the way home from daycare.

You are a happy, beautiful, and smart girl. I can't wait to see what the future holds for you!

Blerg Humbug

2009-12-01T14:46:00.000-06:00

I love the holiday season, but I'm having hard time getting into the spirit of things this year. Last year, I was pregnant and just beginning to show. This year I'm still trying to suck in my stomach, but for different reasons. I can probably attribute my lack of Christmas enthusiasm to the upheaval that continues to rule our daily lives. We still haven't moved. Everything is taking longer than I thought it would. We thought we would be in the new house by Thanksgiving, but that didn't happen. Now I'm afraid that we won't even make Christmas. We still need flooring in the new place and I haven't even begun to pack in fear that boxes will make an already crowded house even worse. No space means no tree or decorations, which makes me kind of sad. It's probably a good idea with a 21 month old in the house, though. I know that L will have no memory of this, but I always like things to look like Christmas.

Despite the frustrations, I can't say that life is so terrible. Thanksgiving was good, despite the cramped quarters. L was in heaven with my brother around and I just love seeing him play with his uncle.

E has started eating cereal and I think we'll soon start vegetables. I can't believe how quickly she's growing.

Last year, I asked everyone if they were going to cut back for the holidays. It doesn't seem that the economy has gotten much better and cutting back has become a way of life. Is that true for you? Are you going to cut back even further? If so, I'd love to hear how. The tip I recently learned from Darcie is to start reading the Walgreens flyer. I got almost $30 worth of free stuff on Sunday and I can't wait to go back! Where is your favorite place to save?

Too Quickly

2009-11-19T12:09:00.000-06:00

We live by our routines. Some families have fluid bedtimes and love to go with the flow, but not us. We eat, sleep and play at the same time every weekday. There is comfort in a predictable routine. It's comforting for the kids and it gives the grow-ups something to look forward to: quiet time. When we get home from daycare the routine ends up being almost as hurried as the one in the morning. Dinner for L (whatever we can talk him into eating), family play time, baths and then both kids get milk/bottles and fall asleep. L hops off of his dad's lap, blows me a kiss and goes to his crib. For a few minutes I am alone with E.

As I was rocking E to sleep last night, I had one of those rare moments when you know, you just know, that this will be remembered. Perhaps I will be rocking my grandchild to sleep and I will look down, think of that moment, and say to myself, "It seems like just yesterday I was rocking E."

Already, I look back at photos of her as a newborn and feel a knot in my stomach. Perhaps because know she is my last child or maybe because after having one baby, you realize just how quickly they grow up. Whatever the reason, I wish I could somehow record all of it as a feeling. I would be a billionaire if I developed a pill that recreated the feeling you have when you rock your child to sleep. Since I'm not smart enough and far too tired to do that, I'll just try to appreciate L and E as they are every night. I will try to remember their clean little faces and chubby feet. I let thousands of moments pass me by every day. Life is too busy and too exhausting to remember or appreciate them all. I try to take bedtime and make it a designated time for appreciation. I'm not always successful, but when I am, those moments are more precious to me than anything in the world.

Too Soon

2009-11-16T13:52:00.000-06:00

I consider myself a fortunate person. Sure, life is frustrating, sometimes. The mornings are insane and I am always exhausted, but when I look over and see two happy and healthy children I know that I am lucky. L and E were both born as healthy, full-term babies. I got to hold them less than an hour after they were born and they stayed with me while I was in the hospital. That may not seem like anything out of the ordinary, but to many parents it is.

Every year 20 million babies are born prematurely. In the U.S. we are lucky to have hospitals that can, for the most part, handle the special needs of preemies. In many places, this is not the case. In many places, being born too soon is a death sentence. Survival often means lifelong health problems and disabilities. I am not the mother of a preemie and I have never been inside a NICU, but I know many mothers who have gone through that agony. I decided to join this blog campaign because I want everyone to have the wonderful experiences I have. I want everyone to stress about getting to daycare on time and not about whether the next cold will put their child in the hospital. I have listed a few organizations that have worked tirelessly to educate and help families experiencing premature birth.

The March of Dimes raises awareness about premature birth and provides information to expecting mothers about ways to prevent preemie births.

Friends of Maddie donates NICU survival packs to parents who find themselves in the heartbreaking situation of spending time in the NICU with their baby. You can also share your NICU story here.

November is prematurity awareness month and November 17th is the official Fight for Preemies. Did you/do you have a preemie? If you want to share your story, please leave a few lines or link to your own blog post and tell me about your baby. When people visit this blog as a part of the campaign, they will see your story. The more we can spread awareness, the better prevention and care we can demand for mothers and children.

Picky, Picky - Revisited

2009-11-12T10:02:00.000-06:00

I love to cook. Our current kitchen has become too full of toddler/baby items to make it work, but in the new house I will have plenty of room to indulge. As a child I was not a picky eater. The same things I hated as a kid (most fish, cilantro and liver) are things that I hate to this day. I think my mother is still waiting for me to develop a taste for fish. Sorry, Mom. When I met M he told me stories of his picky eating. I chuckled at tales of his lunches being the same for years and a diet that consisted of grilled cheese and hot dogs because he would not eat anything else. After all, we regularly enjoy sushi, Indian Food, Vietnamese food, etc.. He obviously grew out of it, right? I just assumed that my children would eat what was put in front of them. I was wrong. So very wrong.

Luke was a late teether (first tooth at 9 months, top teeth at 13 months) and I was paranoid about giving him certain foods because I was afraid he would choke. I don't know where this obsession with choking came from, but I have spent hours cutting things in to small bits and I didn't introduce a wide variety of foods to him at an early age. I used to blame his extreme finickiness on my paranoia and late teething. It made sense. No teeth + crazy mom = a toddler who won't eat ANYTHING. Well, maybe it isn't me, after all. I recently came across this article in The New York Times. So, along with L's stubborn Polish personality, I can also blame M for his picky eating, right?

In all seriousness, it is driving me crazy. I feel trapped by my lack of time to dedicate to this problem. I think about it and then time runs out and it's 5:30, we're just getting home and L is starving. I have tried putting cheese on everything, making it colder/hotter/lesslumpy/morelumpy......you name it, I've tried it. I have written about his before and I tried many of your suggestions. At the time, I thought that by the age of 2o months we would be in a better place with this. Unfortunately, the upheaval of E's birth and a move in the near future has distracted me. I have had more than one person suggest fast food, because who doesn't love fast food, right? That's totally cool for some people, but it isn't how we roll. I don't expect to keep him from fast food, but I'm not really willing to go there right now. So I am going to lay it out for you, because I need help, internets!

L will eat: grapes, bananas, spinach with Mozzarella cheese, rice&cheese, rice&beans, baked beans, roasted turkey, ravioli. The foods I just listed are subject to sudden rejection without warning. L has recently rejected the baked beans. He will not eat veggies, except for the spinach.

I have not really explored the veggie puree thing, but I think it has come to that point. I know that he isn't going to starve or be scarred for life by this. He takes his vitamins and is a healthy, active kid. My concern is partly nutritional but it's also a matter of convenience. We can't just go to a friends house for dinner or even out as a family without stress about bringing food that L will eat. So, should I just give up or should I try to fight genetics and make this kid eat some green things if it kills me??

Happy Birthday

2009-11-11T10:44:00.000-06:00

I don't really remember when I started reading Heather's blog. She had a cute and hilarious baby who was three months older than Luke and her posts were both funny and touching. I had a post in mind today that ended up being a big fucking downer. Even though I don't know the Spohrs, I gather that they would like Maddie's life to be celebrated - especially today.

Maddie was a joy to read about. I loved watching the movies and reading the posts about her. It seems odd to look forward to seeing photos of a stranger's child, but I think that those of you that read Heather's blog understand. (If you've never read her blog, this is one of my favorite posts and I think it speaks to Mike, Heather and Maddie's strength as a family.)

Today I celebrate Maddie Spohr. She would have turned two in a blaze of glory, I'm sure. We miss you and your smiles, Maddie! To paraphrase (re-write) something that Matt once wrote:

It was nice day, a day Maddie would have loved. She's not here, so we loved it for her.

The Truth About Stress

2009-10-29T12:16:00.000-05:00

As E's refusal to sleep through the night enters it's fifth month, I am finding it harder and harder to power through the sleep deprivation. There have been mornings when the sound of the alarm clock actually brought tears to my eyes. When I finally drag myself out of bed it is a wild whirlwind of activity as M feeds L his oatmeal, I take care of the baby, M takes his shower and leaves for work and I turn on Curious George so that L is occupied while I slap on some make-up and try to put together an outfit that doesn't make it look like I just crawled out of bed. I have to write everything down at work or else I will forget. I have forgotten and, as a result, been late for two meetings this week. I am no longer fun to be around, not that I go out. If I did, I would be grumpy and probably have mascara on my cheeks from rubbing my eyes. Most evenings I make dinner, eat dinner, do laundry/dishes and then go to bed. M helps, he really does, but sometimes just doing it yourself is easier than telling someone how to do it. I had to ask myself this question: in my quest to be the modern, do-everything-working-mom, have I screwed myself out of getting help from others? Have I locked myself into such a tight schedule and routine that it's difficult to stop and let someone else lend a hand? Will it really, really matter if M picks out E's clothes instead of me???

I knew that I had gotten into a bad pattern when I caught myself stress eating. I never stress eat. I have been known to stress shop, although that has stopped since we're watching our pennies these days. I have been known to bite my nails or make irrational decisions about my hair style, but never stress eat. Without even thinking about it, I ate a box of chocolates that a co-worker was selling as a fundraiser for some little league team. I have been working so hard to lose my pregnancy weight and have made really good strides as I am now only 10 lbs away from my goal and this new hobby of mine could ruin everything. How did I let it get so bad?

Every time you open up a women's magazine you see all of these stress relief tips. You can meditate, count to 10, make a list, breathe a scent, etc.. I only know one person who actually practices meditation to ease stress. One. The rest of us are either ignoring the advice or reading the article while eating fundraising chocolates.

I know I'm not alone and I know that my problems are not special or real problems, for that matter, but I miss who I was. I want my brain back. I want my ability to form a coherent thought back. I need to figure out a way to rise above this and maintain at least a little bit of sanity so that my family won't disown me.

So, what do you do when you are stressed? I mean, what do you really do?

The Lost Week

2009-10-26T12:24:00.000-05:00

You know the kind of week where everything is taken over by sickness? We were there last week. After dropping off a seemingly healthy L at daycare, I got a call that he was running a temp of 102.5 I was bummed, not just because of the sickness, but because he was due to have his regular flu shot the next day. We took him in, anyway, in the hopes of talking Dr. I into a shot, but one look in his ears and it was a diagnosis of an ear infection. I hate it when the kids get sick because they so rarely do (knock on wood) and I feel like I'm out of my element. As any good 21st century parent would do, I turned to my Twitter friends to help me figure out such things as Tylenol dosage and Motrin use. What did I do before Twitter? I shudder to think.

Besides the stress of having a sick and cranky 20 month old to take care of, there was the stress of who would take off of work. Normally, we rotate or M, who always has more leave, takes the day off. When one day became almost all week, things started to get a little more complicated. What do working couples with habitually sick kids do? How do you avoid the "whose career is more important" showdown? Everything ended up being ok, but I admit that I felt self-conscience coming and going from work. Especially since I am the only one in my department with young kids. I realize that they can't penalize me for a sick child (I work in HR) but the Type-A achiever in me wants to be there 100% for everyone 100% of the time. If I didn't know it before, I certainly know now: that just isn't possible. The ear infection was viral and L finally went back on Friday.

It was a relief to sit at my desk this morning and know that L and E were both happy and healthy at daycare. E passed her 4 month exam with flying colors and weighed in at 17.5lbs and is 25inches long. Whoa. Thankfully, E never got sick (again with the wood knocking) and I am hoping that it will stay that way.

They are back to their old tricks.

Starting Over

2009-10-21T15:24:00.000-05:00

Welcome to my new home. It's weird being here after 2 1/2 years at my other blog, but I view this as a good move. Sometimes it's good to start anew with a fresh outlook. When I read the first entries at the other site it's like I'm reading about a completely different person. That Miss K probably would not relate to the Miss K who is typing very quickly before L wakes up from his Tylenol induced nap. (He's home with an ear infection). Through this blog I've come in contact with mothers and future mothers from all walks of life and in all stages of parenting. Since I started the other blog as a way to reach out when I couldn't get pregnant, I felt that maybe I could morph it into something else. Instead, I have found a new place to write about my day to day struggles/triumphs/neurosis. Thank you so much for coming over and for reading. I have grown very attached to my small group of readers and it means a lot that you would join me here.

If you are wondering about my awesome new header, it was done by my very talented friend, Teal. She is available to do blog headers and if you would like to hire her, you can click on the Blissful Body Yoga icon on the right. You won't be disappointed!