Escape

It's that time of the summer when I start to long for a vacation.  It's so hot, much hotter than it normally is at this time, and it sucks the very life out of you.  Even small tasks seem difficult when the humidity is 80% and the heat index is over 100.  Last year, I promised myself we would take a proper vacation, but with the insanity of the last shuttle flight and a possible new contract at work, I'm not sure it's going to happen.  I find that so depressing.  E has been extremely clingy.  I thought it would go away when she felt better after a brief illness, but I am still unable to leave her line of sight without hearing "Mommy! Where are you?"  I love my children dearly, but I would like to use the restroom, or make dinner in peace.  Two demanding toddlers and a life full of responsibilities makes me a little itchy for some sort of break.  We might make it to Illinois in the fall, but even that is uncertain right now.   My only escape has been reading.

When I was a child we lived on an acreage and really didn't have neighbor's, and the neighbors we did have didn't have kids my age.  When most kids were running next door to play with friends, I was reading a book.  It was a habit brought on by boredom and a need to escape the tension in the house brought on by my mother's eating disorder and depression.  I completely escaped into books and became obsessed with the stories and the characters.  I wanted to be in the books.  If I was more talented, I probably could have written one, but I have settled for being a happy consumer.  I love that obsession.  I love thinking about how the author came up with the idea behind a book, and I wonder about the characters after the book ends.  (What happens to Johanna Mason??)

As I wrote in a previous post, I can't believe I ever left reading behind.  I'm glad it's back.  I really enjoy writing my reviews, although I might be the only one who reads them. If I can't go somewhere, at least I can spend my evenings reading.  Of course, that might explain how messy my house looks at the moment.

Are you on Goodreads?  It's an excellent way to keep track of the books you want to read. Let's connect here.

I just read a really good, but kind of spooky book called Dismantled.  My review is here.
 


**I took the above photo at Ikea. The title means "Do It Yourself".  My other favorite Ikea book title is "Married to a Communist". 

Two Years

 

The last two years have been a whirlwind.  I look at E now and I see a little girl, walking, talking and interacting with the world around her.  In some ways, time has crawled, but when I see her playing with friends or laughing with her brother, it seems like time has raced by, never looking back.

I make mental notes to myself all the time of books and experiences that I want to make sure E has and things that I want to share with her.  I want so much for her to have the confidence that was so difficult for me to develop.  I want her to have the support system to propel her into life, full speed ahead.  Having a daughter is such a scary thing these days.  I see older children and teens doing idiotic things and exposing themselves to such dangers that I wish I could keep E in her crib forever, safe in her comfy cage until I lift her out.  That isn't the way it works, and even now I see the independent and stubborn streak that frustrates me and gives me hope that this is a girl that knows her own mind.

She is my smart, strong and beautiful girl.  I am so glad that she's ours.  Happy Birthday, E.  I love you.

The Dark Days

I just finished reading The Hunger Games series and as my husband and I were joking about those first few months after E was born, The Dark Days came to mind.  There was no nuclear war or widespread annihilation of a population, but those first several months with a toddler and a newborn were tough.  Ok, they were pretty awful.  My heart trouble, our cramped and tiny house, and L being too young to really understand that this baby was here to stay all created a situation that still gives me a touch of the PTSD, to be honest.  We moved, sold our old house and were down to one car.  I love my children more every day, but I never want to go back to the way I felt then.  I was tired and overwhelmed and even though I wasn't, I felt alone.

It's almost two years later, and we have survived, just as everyone said we would.  We found a bigger house, E started sleeping through the night, L got used to his sister and his new bed.  Things are certainly still hectic, but I just feel like I am dealing with it better than I was.  It's like we're just on the edge of finally feeling like we might actually have it together.  I only have 3 classes left in grad school, I finally got a promotion at work, and the kids are thriving. We still have a mountain of boxes to go through, but it's a smaller mountain than it was.  That overwhelmed feeling is still there, but not as often.

One thing that I have slowly started to get back, is myself.  I don't know why, but it occurred to me the other day that the last 6 years have changed me beyond anything I ever thought possible.  Marriage, career, and kids:  those three things have molded me into someone who is completely different than the music teacher that wrote lesson plans every night and never missed happy hour.  Some of that is good.  Most of the changes are positive, but I find myself missing other things.  When the Spring semester ended, I picked up my nook and read a non-school book for the first time in years.  Yes, years.  I can't believe I ever stopped.  I immediately fell into my old habits of staying up until midnight telling myself, just one more chapter, over and over again.  I joined Good Reads and I think I've read about six books in the break between semesters.  It feels so good to have something in my brain besides schedules, meals plans, and HR related topics. My friend Maura also pointed out that it's important for the kids to see me reading.  Of course, they really see me staring at what must look like a giant iPhone to them, but by the time they are teenagers, I'm sure my nook will evoke laughter similar to what the 1990s giant cell phones do now.

My next wish was to join a book club, but I know that to have one would mean that I would have to do all of the work.  I learned the hard way through the parents group I started that people are more than willing to show up and less willing to make an effort to keep something going.  That's ok, though, because most of the people that I would like to talk to about books are online!  I decided to start up the old book blog again and use it as a place to write about the books I read and give people a chance to give me their thoughts.  Maybe no one will read it, but at least I have a way to write about books that I truly love.  The first thing I want to do when I finish a book is discuss it with someone, but L and E have very little interest in dissecting character motivation.

My first post is about The Help.  Please visit it you've read it, or even if you haven't, because I would love to hear your thoughts.

Between Here and There

I feel like I've been in purgatory for the past few years.  I live in this in-between place working to finish school, waiting for funding to stabilize so I can have a promotion, and wishing my life was less hectic.  This semester has been the hardest, so far.  Two classes with one being very high maintenance.  (That's code for "the professor is a dick.")  Combine that with a very, very busy April and I am down to my last weekend with a 30 page paper to write and two days in which to finish it.  M is taking the kids to my mom and dad's and I will  stay at home and write a very mediocre paper. 

I know the finish line is within sight.  I know that this time next year, I will be finishing my last course and walking away with a Master's in HR, but I am so tired and missing some of the confidence that I had when I started.  It was so much easier when I was in high school or even an undergrad.  There were cheerleaders everywhere; parents, classmates, and teachers were all available to tell me I was smart and that I could do it.  Now?  Now I'm a mom, I work full time, and I am expected to have the inner fortitude to man-up and get it done.  Grad school is an every-man-for-himself kind of place.  Everyone works and everyone has a completely separate life outside of school.  There are no cheerleaders, just professors that sort of care, but mostly they would like you to shut-up and just do the work.

People always say to me, "I don't know how you do it."  I'm not sure that I'm really doing a very good job at work, home, or school.  If you are willing to do everything kind of half-assed, you can appear to do whatever you want!  My only other choice is to walk away, and I am way too close to being finished to really do that, although I fantasize about quitting school almost every day.  I am ready to have my life back.  I am ready to read books that aren't about employment law and dedicate more time to the Foundation.  I miss my friends, online and IRL, and I am ready to stop feeling like I have been a terrible friend to many people that I care about.  I am ready to just be a working mom instead of a working mom in school who must be crazy to do all of this.

If this really is my purgatory then I can only hold out hope that all of this torment will lead to heaven on the other side.  A heaven with a promotion and time to spend with my family on the weekends.  And wine.  Heaven must have wine.

Act of Kindness Friday: Easter Lily

The previous owners of our house were the original owners. When we bought it, it was obvious that no updates had been made since 1992 when the house was built. We replaced flooring, paint, stripped wallpaper, the whole nine yards. It left me grumbling about how someone could live in a house that long and never even replace a faucet, especially when they were trying to sell!

A few months after we moved in, I was in the back yard and I realized that while the inside needed work, the outside had banana plants, a huge mint patch, and a few rose bushes.  Not too bad, really. Among the mint I noticed a strange looking plant. It was kind of spiky and unfriendly looking.  When I examined it a little closer, I realized it was an Easter Lily that hadn't bloomed, yet! There were actually two of them. Whoever the family was, they left behind a little bit of beauty that comes up every spring to remind me that good things can come from spiky situations. I can't wait for it to bloom this year.

Act of Kindness Friday: Pocket Ninja

Life has been overwhelming, lately.  I've been struggling to keep my head above water with school and work and family.  There have been lots of mini-meltdowns, and it's not the kids doing the crying.  When I was trying to get pregnant and that first anniversary came and went, I had that same feeling of being overwhelmed.  Even some of my closest friends didn't understand and I felt very alone.  Being a part of the Braces Bunch gave me sympathetic, non-judgmental shoulders to cry on and I will always be grateful for that.  I have met so many wonderful people through this group and I count them as good friends.  Just a few days ago, I got a little package in the mail from fellow buncher, Suzy.  In it was this little guy.

He's my pocket ninja and I keep him in my purse at all times.  He arrived just when I needed a reminder that there are people who care and are with me in spirit.  Thanks, Suzy, it means so much to me. 

Would you like to join in? Write about an act of kindness!

Act of Kindness Friday: Three Years

Three years ago a woman that I did not know passed away before she could hold her baby girl.  A few months later, I stumbled across her husband's blog while I was home on maternity leave with L.  That little girl and L were only one month apart and I was touched by her husband's grief and willingness to share his sadness, joy, and apprehension about the future.

Through Matt's blog, a group of strangers friends connected to help him get through that first year.  We made sure he had cards on his birthday, on father's day, and support on the first anniversary of Liz's death.  Matt then decided to take that kindness and turn it into something that could help others.  The Liz Logelin Foundation is still new, but it's growing every day and helps many people cope with the loss of a life partner.  The stories are amazing and the inner strength of the applicants never ceases to amaze me.  On a personal note, the people that I have met through my work with the Foundation have become some of my closest friends and I cannot imagine my life without them.

It's not often that you see kindness blossom and turn into something this big, but I know that where there are people who care, there will always be hope.  Seeing how a group of people came together and helped someone they didn't know showed me the power for good that the internet could become.  I am so glad that I am a part of it.


Matt has written a book that is coming out next month.  A portion of the proceeds will go directly to The Liz Logelin Foundation.  It is available for pre-order on Amazon.




Would you like to join in? Write about an act of kindness!