I really want to be a better historian for our family. I want to scrapbook and digital scrapbook and put together photo albums and generally preserve every moment. I'm just not that person, though. I have yet to do baby books for the kids and we couldn't get our shit together enough to send out most of our Christmas cards this year (sorry). I had to take a hard look at what I really need to concentrate on right now, which is school, and just make peace with the fact that things will be pushed aside until that is done. The bad part is, this time is taking place when I should be enjoying the kids. Ever since E was born I have become hyper-aware of how quickly this time is slipping through my fingers, and I try desperately to record it in some way. The toddler years bring changes daily and I always feel like I struggle to keep up. Thanks to blogging and Flickr I can go back and piece together events enough for a baby book or album. My friend Maura got me a One Line a Day book, which I really love. The 365 blog I started for the kids is another way I plan to chronicle this time, but it's hard.
L will be three next month, which is probably why the rapid passage of time has been on my mind so much. I came across some photos of him as a baby and it seems like it was so long ago. I remember holding him and just staring for hours. I had a baby! I also remember having sobbing break downs at 2am when breastfeeding was going really badly. I felt so alone. I wish I could have reached out more to lessen the stress. I know I missed out on some really special moments because I felt so overwhelmed.
For the past few days I have been thinking about the parents of the little girl who was shot in Arizona. I think about how her father's job as a MLB scout must have taken him out of town a lot. I think about how he must wish he had those lost moments back. Obviously, you can't live your life expecting the worst to happen. You need a job and a way to support your family, but when the kids spend more time in daycare than with you, it makes you wonder if there might be a better way. There must be a way to find balance and a way to handle everyday stress and not let it overshadow what's going on in front of you. The truth is, the biggest obstacle to really living your life is life itself.