I feel like I've been in purgatory for the past few years. I live in this in-between place working to finish school, waiting for funding to stabilize so I can have a promotion, and wishing my life was less hectic. This semester has been the hardest, so far. Two classes with one being very high maintenance. (That's code for "the professor is a dick.") Combine that with a very, very busy April and I am down to my last weekend with a 30 page paper to write and two days in which to finish it. M is taking the kids to my mom and dad's and I will stay at home and write a very mediocre paper.
I know the finish line is within sight. I know that this time next year, I will be finishing my last course and walking away with a Master's in HR, but I am so tired and missing some of the confidence that I had when I started. It was so much easier when I was in high school or even an undergrad. There were cheerleaders everywhere; parents, classmates, and teachers were all available to tell me I was smart and that I could do it. Now? Now I'm a mom, I work full time, and I am expected to have the inner fortitude to man-up and get it done. Grad school is an every-man-for-himself kind of place. Everyone works and everyone has a completely separate life outside of school. There are no cheerleaders, just professors that sort of care, but mostly they would like you to shut-up and just do the work.
People always say to me, "I don't know how you do it." I'm not sure that I'm really doing a very good job at work, home, or school. If you are willing to do everything kind of half-assed, you can appear to do whatever you want! My only other choice is to walk away, and I am way too close to being finished to really do that, although I fantasize about quitting school almost every day. I am ready to have my life back. I am ready to read books that aren't about employment law and dedicate more time to the Foundation. I miss my friends, online and IRL, and I am ready to stop feeling like I have been a terrible friend to many people that I care about. I am ready to just be a working mom instead of a working mom in school who must be crazy to do all of this.
If this really is my purgatory then I can only hold out hope that all of this torment will lead to heaven on the other side. A heaven with a promotion and time to spend with my family on the weekends. And wine. Heaven must have wine.
The previous owners of our house were the original owners. When we bought it, it was obvious that no updates had been made since 1992 when the house was built. We replaced flooring, paint, stripped wallpaper, the whole nine yards. It left me grumbling about how someone could live in a house that long and never even replace a faucet, especially when they were trying to sell!
A few months after we moved in, I was in the back yard and I realized that while the inside needed work, the outside had banana plants, a huge mint patch, and a few rose bushes. Not too bad, really. Among the mint I noticed a strange looking plant. It was kind of spiky and unfriendly looking. When I examined it a little closer, I realized it was an Easter Lily that hadn't bloomed, yet! There were actually two of them. Whoever the family was, they left behind a little bit of beauty that comes up every spring to remind me that good things can come from spiky situations. I can't wait for it to bloom this year.
Life has been overwhelming, lately. I've been struggling to keep my head above water with school and work and family. There have been lots of mini-meltdowns, and it's not the kids doing the crying. When I was trying to get pregnant and that first anniversary came and went, I had that same feeling of being overwhelmed. Even some of my closest friends didn't understand and I felt very alone. Being a part of the Braces Bunch gave me sympathetic, non-judgmental shoulders to cry on and I will always be grateful for that. I have met so many wonderful people through this group and I count them as good friends. Just a few days ago, I got a little package in the mail from fellow buncher, Suzy. In it was this little guy.
He's my pocket ninja and I keep him in my purse at all times. He arrived just when I needed a reminder that there are people who care and are with me in spirit. Thanks, Suzy, it means so much to me.
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