All of the Little Things

 

It wasn't long after we had L that people were asking "when will you have another?"  When we had E people backed off because when you have kids 16 months apart people tend to leave you alone due to the crazy, sleep deprived look in your eyes.  Our grace period appears to be over, however, and now a few people have asked about having a third.  Three is a popular number for kids these days, and it seems that many of our friends have three. It seems so surreal to even examine this question because, in some ways, it seems like we just had our first.  It seems almost selfish to ponder considering how lucky we are to have two. I haven't forgotten the stress of that first year, either.  My answer is always that we're done.  We have one of each, they are healthy and happy, and we're done.  My heart freaked out (that's the technical term) after I had E, so we're done. I would need a lot of monitoring and progesterone support, so we're done.  M is ten years older than I am and won't be able to retire if we have a third, so we're done.  We can't afford it, so we're done.

Those are all good reasons, right?  I know that they are, but when I sat in my OB's office last week for my annual exam, the question about more kids was brought up once again.  I told her I really thought we were done.  She looked at me for a second and said,

I just don't feel like you believe that, yet.

I was a little taken aback.  I hadn't really examined my feelings about being done with having kids because of the logical reasons behind it.  She was right.  I can't believe it, but she was right.  I do think about having another baby.  I think about being able to finally do the things I wanted to with L and E - a VBAC, more nursing, less stress about buying a house, and more time to really enjoy that brief period when they are so little.  Do I just want a second chance to appreciate all of the little things that are already gone? Is that a good reason to want a third child?

All of the emotional reasons aside, the real obstacle is money.  I think that M would be open to having a third.  I think the kids would love to have a little brother or sister, but the reality of paying for three college tuitions and daycare and preschool and schedules.......  It means that one of us would have to get a really big promotion or we'd have to win the lottery. So, here I am with this little tingle in my heart for just one more.  I'm not really sure what to do with it or if it will ever go away, but it's there.