Monday, March 21, 2011

All of the Little Things


It wasn't long after we had L that people were asking "when will you have another?"  When we had E people backed off because when you have kids 16 months apart people tend to leave you alone due to the crazy, sleep deprived look in your eyes.  Our grace period appears to be over, however, and now a few people have asked about having a third.  Three is a popular number for kids these days, and it seems that many of our friends have three. It seems so surreal to even examine this question because, in some ways, it seems like we just had our first.  It seems almost selfish to ponder considering how lucky we are to have two. I haven't forgotten the stress of that first year, either.  My answer is always that we're done.  We have one of each, they are healthy and happy, and we're done.  My heart freaked out (that's the technical term) after I had E, so we're done. I would need a lot of monitoring and progesterone support, so we're done.  M is ten years older than I am and won't be able to retire if we have a third, so we're done.  We can't afford it, so we're done.

Those are all good reasons, right?  I know that they are, but when I sat in my OB's office last week for my annual exam, the question about more kids was brought up once again.  I told her I really thought we were done.  She looked at me for a second and said,

I just don't feel like you believe that, yet.

I was a little taken aback.  I hadn't really examined my feelings about being done with having kids because of the logical reasons behind it.  She was right.  I can't believe it, but she was right.  I do think about having another baby.  I think about being able to finally do the things I wanted to with L and E - a VBAC, more nursing, less stress about buying a house, and more time to really enjoy that brief period when they are so little.  Do I just want a second chance to appreciate all of the little things that are already gone? Is that a good reason to want a third child?

All of the emotional reasons aside, the real obstacle is money.  I think that M would be open to having a third.  I think the kids would love to have a little brother or sister, but the reality of paying for three college tuitions and daycare and preschool and schedules.......  It means that one of us would have to get a really big promotion or we'd have to win the lottery. So, here I am with this little tingle in my heart for just one more.  I'm not really sure what to do with it or if it will ever go away, but it's there.


  1. i love your openness. I, too, am having the same debate. I have an IUD removal appointment in June and am not sure I am really ready to go there yet

  2. I would love another...two more actually...but when I get that one more...or two I still want another? I can't help but wonder if the mother inside of us always longs for just one more...
    For many of the same reasons you list above - we are done. Being done with two helps to ensure our kids get so much of what we didn't as kids - and while I know the greatest of *things* is love - It sure is fun being able to do other things as well - swim lessons, karate class, Disneyworld! Adding to our family cuts into our available resources...but I think I'll always long for more..

  3. I'm pregnant with our third and everyone prior too said I should just go for it, so I did! I'm slightly terrified to be perfectly honest but I always felt in my heart that 3 was the magic number! Good luck in your decision, hopefully we BOTH won't be down at the poor farm ;)

  4. I always want just two. And with my kids so far apart in age, I really can feel it...two is the right number. But. I see all you guys in IF land having those siblings...and it does make me wonder. And to have two that were closer in age...however, we have the same issues considering money, etc. and add that I am older. Yeah. Two. But I can understand the longing to do it over (and "better").

  5. I would love another... divorce took that deam away from me, at least for now!

    Stop by my blog, we are celebrating the birthday of all the 08 babies!

  6. this is really a great post, Kate.
    I know, in my heart that I am not done having children - our family is not close to being complete - but I am scared shitless of all the logic behind it, but not afraid enough not to do it...

  7. We were lucky to conceive the 1 without having to go through IVF to get there. DONE
    Dean is 23 years older than me. DONE
    He'd never be able to retire. DONE
    We joke that I'd be pushing him in a wheelchair while he's pushing the stroller. DONE
    Montessori is so expensive plus college. DONE

    still hurts to say it though.

  8. I think it is a feeling that never really goes away for some who battled infertility. When I had a surprise pregnancy (and then loss) a year and a half ago, I really had to face all those feelings. We agreed to use birth control because we just weren't sure we could really handle another at this point ($$, time, our age, all of it). But I still sometimes wonder, and it keeps me from doing something more long-term regarding birth control. I just can't let go of that possibility. But more and more it is fading, and I'm feeling okay with it.