Master of None

I never really think about the difference between being a stay and home mom versus a working one.  I know that "mommy bloggers" like to get riled up about it, but as far as I can gather, they are both very hard jobs.  I never really thought I would be good at being a SAHM. I am reserved and it takes me a little while to warm up to people.  I love spending time with my children, but when I see how they have flourished in Montessori school, I wonder if being at home full time would be as beneficial.  I live in an area where being a SAHM is a sign of affluence and something to show off, like a new car. "Oh, look, I can afford to stay at home because my husband makes so much money."   I know it isn't like that in many areas, but in this one, it's as good as getting a new Mercedes or diamond necklace.  I work because, well, I have to work.  I don't have the highest paying job in the world, but I make enough to pay for a daycare that the kids love and to pay for things we need (and some we don't).

Lately, I have thought a  lot about the choices I have made and what it means to be happy vs being fulfilled.  I have been working for my current company for over three years and have been in HR for almost five years. Prior to HR, I was a public school music teacher for six years.  To further my new career, I enrolled in grad school and have been plugging along in between breaks when I had L and E.  I do a good job.  I like HR and I know a lot about it.  Last week, my boss met with me to let me know that I would not be getting the promotion I was expecting.  I wasn't entirely surprised.  If you know me outside of this blog, you know that the industry I work in is going through a big transition and many companies are tightening their belts in preparation for the unknown.  Nevertheless, I was devastated.  I looked back on the weekends that I have worked, the late pick-ups, the schedule juggling, and I wonder if all of that was just wasted time.  I guess I just feel discouraged.  I'm almost 35 and I'm not sure that I'm really that good at my job and I'm not sure that I'm really that good at being a mom, either.  A Jack of all trades and master of none.

I try not to compare myself to others because you never really know what goes on in someone's life, but it's hard not to, sometimes.  I see these people with clean houses, children that sleep, and careers that are on fire I have to wonder:  what are they doing that I'm not?  (I'm also beginning to think that the people who keep telling me "your kids are little, things will get easier" are sorta full of shit.)  Most of the questions I ask myself don't really have answers other than "just wait and see".  In the grand scheme of things, the issues are small.  My disappointment will fade (I hope) and I'll keep looking for a new job or just settle for the one I have now.  I realize that having a job is something to be thankful for in this economy.  All you can do sometimes is stand up, dust off, and keep going.  Maybe I'm not the world's most patient or saintly mom and maybe my kids don't ride around in the fanciest car or have clothes from places other than Target, but I will do everything I can to make sure they know they are loved, because they are.  They are loved more than anything.