Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Master of None

I never really think about the difference between being a stay and home mom versus a working one.  I know that "mommy bloggers" like to get riled up about it, but as far as I can gather, they are both very hard jobs.  I never really thought I would be good at being a SAHM. I am reserved and it takes me a little while to warm up to people.  I love spending time with my children, but when I see how they have flourished in Montessori school, I wonder if being at home full time would be as beneficial.  I live in an area where being a SAHM is a sign of affluence and something to show off, like a new car. "Oh, look, I can afford to stay at home because my husband makes so much money."   I know it isn't like that in many areas, but in this one, it's as good as getting a new Mercedes or diamond necklace.  I work because, well, I have to work.  I don't have the highest paying job in the world, but I make enough to pay for a daycare that the kids love and to pay for things we need (and some we don't).

Lately, I have thought a  lot about the choices I have made and what it means to be happy vs being fulfilled.  I have been working for my current company for over three years and have been in HR for almost five years. Prior to HR, I was a public school music teacher for six years.  To further my new career, I enrolled in grad school and have been plugging along in between breaks when I had L and E.  I do a good job.  I like HR and I know a lot about it.  Last week, my boss met with me to let me know that I would not be getting the promotion I was expecting.  I wasn't entirely surprised.  If you know me outside of this blog, you know that the industry I work in is going through a big transition and many companies are tightening their belts in preparation for the unknown.  Nevertheless, I was devastated.  I looked back on the weekends that I have worked, the late pick-ups, the schedule juggling, and I wonder if all of that was just wasted time.  I guess I just feel discouraged.  I'm almost 35 and I'm not sure that I'm really that good at my job and I'm not sure that I'm really that good at being a mom, either.  A Jack of all trades and master of none.

I try not to compare myself to others because you never really know what goes on in someone's life, but it's hard not to, sometimes.  I see these people with clean houses, children that sleep, and careers that are on fire I have to wonder:  what are they doing that I'm not?  (I'm also beginning to think that the people who keep telling me "your kids are little, things will get easier" are sorta full of shit.)  Most of the questions I ask myself don't really have answers other than "just wait and see".  In the grand scheme of things, the issues are small.  My disappointment will fade (I hope) and I'll keep looking for a new job or just settle for the one I have now.  I realize that having a job is something to be thankful for in this economy.  All you can do sometimes is stand up, dust off, and keep going.  Maybe I'm not the world's most patient or saintly mom and maybe my kids don't ride around in the fanciest car or have clothes from places other than Target, but I will do everything I can to make sure they know they are loved, because they are.  They are loved more than anything.

                                                            Happy
                                                            Happy

19 comments:

  1. that is the most important piece love, and it is obvious they have an abundance of it!

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  2. I too struggle. I do not enjoy my J.O.B in the slightest, and while I would love love love to stay home with my babies now (in the past, I just could not do it and do a good job) I know that we are all better off with me working. They get the social skills and lessons I could not possibly teach them - and we get to take an occassional vacation as a family that we would not otherwise be able to do.
    The trick is, finding a balance.
    I for one, have not done that yet...but I hope to. and soon.

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  3. You are an amazing mom and an amazing friend!
    I know you're a hard worker, too!

    Funny... I was penning a blog post just yesterday about "lowering my bar" for life in general. It is a low, low bar. Low.

    You're doing a great job!
    Hugs!

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  4. Oh, sweetie - I'm SO sorry for your struggles; I have the same ones, and I am staying home. How some people get it done, I'll never know. But I know that I'm also tired of the "you have three little ones" excuses by other people. That doesn't get my house clean, you know! Or even make me feel better about the fact it's not clean!

    I second the "amazing mom" comment to you - all kids need is to know they're loved!

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  5. Do we live in the same neighborhood? Because being a stay at home mom in my neck of the woods is like sporting a new piece of arm candy. Everyone is jealous of it and only the rich and famous got it.
    In my mind I would love to stay home, but I'm not sure I am cut out for it. We also need the money - damn you mortgage payment. I am so thankful to have a job right now, considering so many others do not.
    For now, I will suck it up and do my best with what I can. I know my boy loves me and I love him and that's all that really, matters right?

    In the same boat,
    kim

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  6. You only have to look at those happy, contented faces to see what a good mom you are! I am sorry about the promotion, it sux to feel robbed when you do so much. Hang in there. And maybe, try turning things on their heads. Try doing the opposite on somethings you normally do. This helps me sometimes to discover something new, get a fresh perspective. xoxoox

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  7. I can't tell you how often I've thought the same things you do. You're not alone.

    I'm really sorry about the promotion.

    xxx

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  8. I think we can only do what we can do. And you're doing a great job at work and at home. Your kids seem so very happy and loved. I think sometimes for me life goes in these cycles where I get to the peak of feeling like I'm really hitting my stride and then a month later I'm wondering how I'm ever going to get to be All That I Want To Be. It's just life, and at the end of the day, love is really, truly, all that matters.

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  9. Life is completely, and painfully, cyclical. For me, it flows with the seasons. I have absolutely nothing to be unhappy about in my life right now but for some reason I was an absolute BEAR this winter and just completely miserable on all fronts... once the weather kicked up and I was able to start getting out and about, I found myself blissfully happy and shockingly at peace with my life. It is amazing. Life cycles. We can only take it day by day and do the best we can. And it sounds like you are doing great... your kids are beautiful!

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  10. Today I am upset because they are having a lemonade/cookies sociala t Lyla's new daycare at 3:45 pm and there is no way I can leave work to go. You are a fantastic mother and your kids are so adorable. Youa re doing a great job my friend

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  11. I can so relate to everything you said. And some of your frustrations with having children--yes, some of that is because they are so young...but some of that is just part of being a parent. I swear half the time I am just winging it, the other half I am thinking I screwed up, and the other half I am thinking I am an AWESOME mom who's underappreciated...(yes, us mommy's split ourselves up in 3 halfs!)

    I am sorry about the non-promotion, but I think you are doing a great job balancing very tough things. Just hang in there! :-)

    (BTW, the big secret they don't tell ya--when they are this young, you cannot screw up as a parent! They are learning how to be children and you are learning how to be a parent, and its okay!)

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  12. Great post. I have a feeling that you are not the only mom having these feelings. :)

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  13. I'm sorry that you didn't get the promotion...

    I think many of us feel much the same as you do. I know that I'm really struggling with whether to return to work after the twins come or stay at home. I *think* we can make it work with one income, but it's going to mean a LOT of cutting back on fun things...and I'm not sure I'll be okay with losing my "working" identity.

    ((HUGS)) You're doing great, Momma!

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  14. Sorry for the rough times, but you kiddos are happy and that's a great thing!

    I hope you get all the work issues resolved soon.
    xoxo

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  15. I know how hard it is to work full time and be a mom. It's been hard for us, too. I support the whole family on my income while my husband stays home with our son. It's a struggle. It's not a glamorous life, and certainly not a status symbol (despite what people in our neighborhood might think). I miss my family while I'm at work, and I am constantly doubting myself. But I know that I gotta do what I gotta do to keep my family afloat. It's never easy. I think it's bullshit too when people say "It gets easier." It's only been more difficult for us.

    What matters is that you love your family and that they know it. And we love you too!

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  16. Moms wear so many different hats---especially working moms. You'll get in the groove and routine, and soon it won't seem so tough. You're a great mama!

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  17. Hang in there! I promise, it does get a little easier or different when your kids get older. it's nice that Vincent can do some things on his own now.

    Your kiddos look so happy and contented and that is what matters. Trust your instincts and do the best you can! (Hey, i need to follow my own advice!)

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  18. Hi, I had some uninvited guests at my blog and I am changing the address, everything stays the same. You can find me at http://www.cibele-hopeful1.blogspot.com/

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  19. Sorry you didn't get your promotion! If it makes you feel better our lives sound almost exactly the same! I work in HR too, it's lame. The company see you more of a parasite that drains money instead of bringing it in. Therefore, you will never make near as much as what you should be!

    I've been talking to more Moms at work who pump when I am also pumping in our Mother's room at work. There kids don't sleep either, one was 10 months and the other 8 months and neither of the Moms could get there kids to sleep much less sleep in there cribs. I hope this helps you to know there are more out there!

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