I started thinking about my old blog yesterday, and I realized that it is a good way to look back and see what was happening this time two or three years ago. It's a little strange reading the old posts, especially the ones written before L arrived. I was a totally different, better rested person back then.
Three years ago I talked about the surreal feeling of going from wishing I was pregnant to being in my last trimester:
It dawned on me when we walked into our first prenatal class on Wednesday that I am just days away from being in my last trimester. This morning when I was putting on my make-up I found the first pregnancy test I took with the + in the little window. I don't think it's something I will put in the baby book, but I just can't bear to throw it away. On that morning when I first stared in disbelief at that piece of plastic, nine months seemed so far away. I couldn't even imagine what I would look like with a large belly or how it would feel walking through the park with a stroller. It was beyond my imagination. Now, we're pricing cribs and registering for shower gifts and I'm wondering if I can come back to work part-time for a while.
I don't want to loose touch with the scared person that I was. I don't want to forget what it felt like have that outside looking in feeling. If I forget, then I might not appreciate what I have, and I do appreciate it. More than anything. As plans become more concrete and the realness of this situation sinks in, I have a lot of fears. I am not afraid of labor or delivery, I am afraid of what happens after that. I could tell you every hormone that is running through my veins right now and what is going on with the baby's development, but what's next? When the baby is finally here, will I measure up?
Is it ok to be afraid of something that you have wanted so badly for so long?
Two years ago I was pregnant with E and feeling really sick. Then there was this little incident:
Yesterday, I got a call from daycare telling me that L fell and bumped his head. "It's a pretty big lump - maybe you should come and look at it." Being obsessive, first-time parents, M and I both went (we work very close to daycare) and it was a pretty big lump with a little scratch. He was standing on the other side of the exer-saucer and fell and bumped his head on the room divider. He has much more strength than coordination these days, so I wasn't surprised. It was the afternoon and he was so happy to see us that we took him home and played with him for the rest of the day for "observation".
Ha! You can tell he was our first because it would have to be pretty serious before we would rush over to daycare nowadays.
One year ago I was frustrated because we didn't know when we were going to move and there were too many boxes and no room for a tree. Well, this year we definitely have a tree and things are much more cheery. It's fun to look back and I think it serves as a good reminder that things really do progress and move on. It's hard when you are mired in the struggle of everyday to remember that, for better or for worse, things change and so do you. I like to think that the change is for the better.
Ex Libris Has Moved
4 years ago